good advice

so let's think about my past lives as a native american. maybe i'm looking at a sort of map of america, but i can only see it via where these past lives have been. it really looks like i've had many lives across the west half of the united states, along the coast and along the mountains. the size of the dot on the map, the bigger the dot meant the longer the life had at that time, the smaller dots are when i died younger. looks like 14 major lives, and 9 minor lives. just in north america? crazy. that's why everything feels so familiar all the time. i'm bored because i've done this many times and i know how the story goes. people who are way more excited about life have had fewer past life experiences, so things are still novel to them.

i guess my soul has gone through more lives, which means i know more than most people, but i don't necessarily know everything, either. i'm doing well, but the further along you go, the harder it gets. that's the point, the harder the issues you're working on, the further along you are. we're all in positions to handle the major themes we encounter in each incarnation. if we work on it, we can learn the lesson and keep going. sometimes people do fail, and have to keep learning -- they scare the rest of us. but people who don't experience anything "majorly" difficult in their lives are meant to have that, they're not prepared yet for more "advanced study." some people really do "have it all" for really no good reason. not lucky, just random. not that anything's random, just that you fall off the track and tumble through oblivion.

i'm remembering evenings in my backyard in the summer as a small child. it's like i'm there again. the sun's gone over the roof, my grandma's telling us what to build in the sand castle. the air is still warm but the sand has gone cold in the shadow. just sheer existence in the moment. home is so lush in a wet summer. maybe i did have good childhood memories, but that the pain of my preteen years hid them. i dunno.

the steady drip from the rain pipe is beating outside my window. it sounds like a call from the universe itself. it's memerizing. it sounds like the beat at a gathering, like a march. just a constant 1 2 3 4 1 2 3 4.

let's talk about my love life. been slow lately, huh? my job, the needs of the people i deal with, really stress me out, and it gives me anxiety to think that some day, if i get involved in a relationship, that that person's quirks and needs are going to drive me totally insane. maybe consciously i want a relationship so bad, but subconsciously i'm so scared of getting involved with someone, and him turning out to not be the one for me, so then i'd have to start over, again?! it's like i'm just waiting for my one guy, and can't be bothered to look at the rest. my sexuality is much better expressed in a familiar situation than a random one. i need time to learn how to read someone's mind.

what is c thinking about me now? i can see him with a big smile on his face, he's pleased. with? he's pleased i told him how i feel. this girl he's with (or who he thinks he's with) looks like a lightning bolt or something -- is she going to "burn" him? is it his turn to feel the pain of getting totally crushed? i already experienced that, and c knows about it. w rubbed my face against a grater, it was gross. i had a hard time recovering from that. maybe c needs to experience that as well, so that he can appreciate me in the way that i only came to appreciate c after w grated me. maybe c is taking me for granted in the way i took him for granted when we first met. that doesn't meant i should wait around while c gets burned by this girl he likes who isn't me. i should still go out and do my own thing and not wait. why not keep going.

haha, no one likes c! why is that? it's like c is a particular flavor of guy, and maybe a different flavor would suit me better. so it's not about finding a really "better" guy as just finding a guy i'm a good fit with. oh, that's quite good advice. i mean, if i want to have the c flavor, then ok, but i don't have to think that's my only option. definitely good advice. 

in our nature

so i'm not going to go on that little road trip i had been planning in my mind. i think that's my calming escape, planning travel. it's something i feel i can control. travel makes me feel like i'm in control. i make the choices. i play god of my own universe. but i have a hard time enjoying what i have. i have a hard time being in the present, if it isn't exactly as i want it to be. i hardly ever feel that i'm in a moment i want, i always feel like it could be so much better. i'm always in a state of disappointment.

but now i'm stoned, and i love everything. but instead of feeling high, i just feel like i did when i was a kid. everything feels good and new again. it's like i've forgotten what everything feels like. i became so disconnected as i became a teenager that i forgot what everything felt like. i'm feeling the joy in things. children are so connected to that joy, and that's why "normal" people like to be around children, because children bring about that feeling of joy in them. i have such a poor connection to that joy, that being around children irritates instead of soothes me. most people do get frazzled by kids sometimes, but otherwise they find children soothing, because they can share a sort of peace with the child. i have a really opposite reaction to that, children cause me a lot of anxiety.

to me, children or any aspect thereof = fear and anxiety.

that may change in the future, may not, it depends what i want to do about that if it comes up. i know it's going to come up if i get into a serious relationship, so it's like i'm blocking relationships right now because i can't handle the baby-issue factor.

i'm listening to jose gonzalez, his voice is to wonderfully icy.

you've got a heart on fire

it's rushing with desires

you've got a heart filled with passion

will you let it burn for hate or compassion

you're killing for love

great song.

i'll just act as though i'm writing myself a letter

hey me, it's myself. how's it going? remember those horrible messages you sent yourself into the future from like 2006? man that was a bad year, that 2006.

i've been writing long stoner emails to c lately, but he's clinging onto that chinese chick, who i don't think feels for him what he feels for her. but he needs to figure some things out for himself. and i should hope to get someone sexier.

i end up writing about myself in these emails, because i guess that's what i'm thinking about. i'm pretty confused as to what to do next april or may with my time. my stupid brother's wedding is in the middle of june on the other side of the country, making me push back any major plans until after that, and maybe something minor for the time before the wedding, after i finish school.

man this apple i'm eating is mushy. gross. so i email c often because i want the attention, and i like him, and i'm amused by the things he says, but i just wish he would keep going and say much more than he does now. i can see him as a lifelong partner, but he's hung up on this chinese chick, and i have to feel the rejection from him that originally put on him after we first met. i've hurt him, so now i need to feel that in return before anything else can happen. a balance needs to be met. but that may never ultimately pan out because better or just different offers are likely come into play in the mean time. who knows.

i was having a dream the other night in which i was entering a house, but i couldn't get the front door to close or lock. no matter what i did to keep the door shut, it just didn't work. but i have no idea what was outside that i was trying to prevent from entering. it was like nothing was there.

i was supposed to call a friend the other evening, but i got stuck at school and forgot. i mean, how can i bemoan all my distance friendships when i'm not that good at being a friend either? it was pretty harsh when i told c that i want to go to india, and he wrote back "that's great! you should go make some new friends there!" but i read it as "you'll just have to make new friends because no one would want to go with you." why does he bug me so much when i'm sober? i'm all "friendship and love" about him when i'm stoned, but sober i just think we don't necessarily share the same values. he's so amusing, but so impossible to get any answers from. i'm still trying to figure out that missing piece, that wild card aspect of him, and i really don't know if that outstanding factor is a good thing, or not. like, he's way funnier than i am, so he's way more depressed than i am?

and why doesn't v check up on me anymore. i can't bear to break into his facebook again and read his messages. he's so fucking stupid. he has no photos of himself, no information, not even a wall to "protect his personal information" when i'm breaking into his account and reading everything! he's so stupid. when i think about v stoned, i can see us walking down the street at night, he's got his hood up and isn't saying anything, sort of keeping his face in the shadows. yes, that's it, he's hanging out in the shadows, not saying anything to me, but waiting for me to say something. of course his interest is still there, he never loses interest and has said that. it's pretty obvious that he can juggle a lot at once, plenty of women at once, although he rotates the intense attention bouts. he's still waiting for me to write a book, like down the road.

is n gay? hmmm it looks grey, maybe he's an asexual? hahahaha oh my god, or extremely afraid of sex. something like that, maybe not gay, but just not anything.

when will my reader email me the outline of our last chat? her information is so extremely 50/50. some things, she's spot on, some things couldn't be wackier. i have to take it with a grain of salt, and listen to the things that sound familiar. pay attention to the really odd things, but don't take them to heart if they feel wrong. she's giving you option on things you decided on (against) a while ago. she's said i'll end up in montreal twice now, but that just seems completely insane and not my desire at all. i've lived places where i've learned the language as i wanted and participated as such. but i've lived places where i don't speak the language, and frankly don't want to. now that i'm experiencing that phenomenon at the community i work in, i can't image going some place i don't want to learn the language, like french or cantonese.

she said the economy is going to slow things down, worse, for a while, before it picks up again. you don't have to be a medium to figure that out, ha ha.

so another recurring message from the information stream via my reader, is that i need a supportive network. sitting here and thinking about that, i don't even know how that would work out. i would feel so suffocated if i had to deal with the same people all the time. i'd be so uncomfortable if anyone really got to know me, for more than a year at a time. i don't know if i could tolerate that. i'm so disconnected from the people in my life, because everything is so short term, that no one's really keeping tabs on me and helping me correct my mistakes. 

finally, a place i can relax

see, i have this other blog. a blog where i used to write things i actually thought. a place where i could let it all hang out. when i started my life was segmented, disconnected. part 76 of my life was detached from part 44 and part 183. i could be frank and bitchy because no one outside of me could put all the pieces together. after a while, an admirer emerged and put the thought into my head that i'm a good writer and that people like to read what i have to say.

once i knew i had an audience, i knew i was fucked. but thanks to someone else's projections (he projected many things on me, most of which i adopted myself) i got the idea to start a storytelling blog, which lead to blog dos. admittedly, blog dos has been a success for many reasons -- i can be really entertaining if the inspiration strikes. that sort of show takes lots of energy, and sometimes i just don't have that energy.

i then find myself sitting down to blog, trying to think of some entertaining story to tell. due to a core audience, i know how my blogging is tailored -- can't expose too much anymore, it cannot be as raw, and of course not incriminating. so even though entertaining is a form of expression, i need writing to meet my expressive needs. i have to express what i know, and i can't accept any inhibitions.