how can i be upset about not getting what i wanted out of a location, if i didn't put my all into that location. yea. it's like i'm trying on a dress that looked great on the hanger, but when i put it on i suddenly start to question my taste and fashion sense. so i thought this was the one, and it's not. i just have to keep trying locations on until i find one that i like, that looks GOOD on ME. i need a location that flatters me and helps me be my best. this present location i chose because i thought it was exactly my type just annoys the crap out of me now. it's like getting that disproportionately attractive mate, which makes you think you're just soooo awesome, and you find out that that ideal mate is actually completely inane and makes you want to scratch your tear ducts out.
hm. so another locale, that's fine with me.
i feel as though my strength grows as my hair gets longer. i know this is silly, even for a stoner, but i cut my hair quite short just about a year ago, so now it's just starting to move past my shoulders. i feel more feminine, i feel much more like myself. yuri looks like prince charming to me, the dark hair and eyes, the dashing haircut, million watt smile. it's just that he's a little shorter than i am, but really makes up for it in the chest and torso, really wide shoulders.
i just folded together some cheap chocolate coins' tin and some other candy foil, and made an orb with a silver "shrug" around it. i'm pretending that i'm in architecture school and i'm dreaming that my professor loves my idea.
i used to do this all the time as a kid, this is what it's like to feel like a kid again. sometimes joyful, but the dreaming, the obsessive dreaming. it's when making choices was novel and fun. as we age our choice patterns may get in a rut, or we don't spiritually grow and thus our perspective narrows until we die. but when i'm stoned i can see all the possibilities, the extensive peek into that option window. but these dreams also create expectations, and i just hate being disappointed. that's one of my major life issues, coming to terms with how disappointing everything is. if you learn to accept the disappointment then you become numb to it and stop realizing that you're dreams aren't coming true because you forgot you ever had dreams.
i completely forgot about my dreams. i was so busy on an emotional tangent that i just got separated from who i am. voldemort really got me, like in a video game. in the video game, i'm the hero and he's the monster i have to beat to clear to the next world. but i died by his hand, that was one sad, slow death. really pitiful. i guess voldemort was set there as a challenge i technically could beat, but i just couldn't undue the puzzle before i got burned. god that sucked. he's just sitting there, like an extra waiting for his next guest appearance. i'm the writer and i'm calling in the contributors as i go along. each time i look out into the waiting room of potential comrades, sidekicks, nemeses, and loathsome roommates, i look around as though he doesn't exist. the vibe i get back from him is 'go on and make me wait, i've got a magazine and more patience than you do, so just let me know when you're ready again.' at this point i'm (beyond positive to 99% sure to mostly sure to, no wait, why aren't i sure) not interested in ever being in contact with him again.
that's a lie, i'd try to let him say what he wants without any reaction, and just leaving. whatever i'd do, i know i'm still curious to know what's going on with him. but i have to sternly tell myself that 'no, i do NOT want to ever have contact with him again.'
anyways, if he ever IS going to come back into my life, make sure it's right after i've just done something awesome and he has nothing to say that will make me feel bad. that's probably never (at the same time).
what else am i looking for in the new year.
yea, just sex. lots and lots of sex.
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