that's how ib is, since you asked

it's windy as al hell outside; any day that isn't incredibly tepid here is few and far between. upsetting. i've come to realize how the seasons enter and exit through your fingers and toes. it turned springish here a few days ago, but that dampness just won't leave your hands, you get these pruney wet fingers and they're impossible to warm up - which necessitates a near scalding bath. then you get out, dry off, get in your jammies and get in bed - and you get that chill again because you've gone to bed with a wet head of hair. 

it reminds me of taking swimming lessons as a little kid - they were in the evening, and after class my mom would get me in my pjs and we'd go home and i'd get in bed all shivery cause i got a wet head of hair. hm, that's a random memory - one of my favorite side effects of standing out against the cold spring air for a few tokes. 

see, now i suppose i can tell you what my conversation with ib was about. chatted w/ him on fb and i say 'hey, how's it going?' etc, he's doing alright. first thing he asks me: 'how are you?' second thing he asks me 'how's c'? are you still in contact?' i said 'yea.' and he asked when you and i were going to return to hz...

no maybe i don't want to tell it... maybe this message is for me, in its own way.

... ib asked when you and i would return to hz, i said something like 'probably never' at least not together, because i just can't see myself returning there, ever. it's just something i want to continually move away from. but i told ib that you had just mentioned returning there today. ib said 'nah you and c should come back together and give it another go!' i told ib that you, well more like i would never be that idol of worship, that i would never be the chinese princess j is to you, c. i'd never reach a pedestal that high, i don't think. anyways, that's what i told ib. he replied 'ah you and c should give it another go, you're so good together.' everyone could see the chemistry, verbose and pushy. but i was talking to ib, so i said 'c and i? oh that was years ago.'

these are the dramas of our lives

now i'm having these annoying images presented to me regarding c and his recent break-up. similar to how i was constantly thinking of voldemort whenever i got stoned, even though i consciously resisted those thoughts. these days i get stoned and the first messages that want to pop up are about c's break-up, of which i'm growing tired. tonight's image, and i've seen it before, is c's ex as a chinese princess, him as a valiant white knight, in multi-layered meanings of the word, which he would be sure to include with the poetic vows he writes for his beloved fucking chinese princess. c likes to talk about the ideas of nobility, honour, what is righteous and the like. with his princess, there he stands in glory as the good guy finally taking his rightful place in the winner's circle.

well, maybe these are the ideas i'm projecting onto the situation. projecting my insecurities, mocking... i think this may have something to do with the need to win. just because i passed on that opportunity, something inside me wants to make sure he couldn't do better than me. which is all kinds of 'wrong' and jealous, and human.

these are the dramas of our lives.

these days i'm closing another chapter of my life, reviewing my existential status, approaching my return into the abyss of opportunity. i can hold my own out there, i'm just trying to figure out my best conversation strategy. finding the best way to hit the ground running. 

it would serve me better to spend more time thinking about that, rather than c and his chinese princess. so he found his better option. just as i'm sure mine doesn't exist.

do you ever notice after smoking for a period of time, not all thoughts are happy ones? ones like i could never return to china, because that feels like drowning. i have an idea of what i might want to do with myself in the overall scheme, but i'm trying to figure out my hesitation.

shakespeare; stoned.

maybe we shouldn't trust google.

i can see this 1984-ish future when i'm middle aged and we're all living in a police state that finds its origins in google as a collector of personal information on everyone, it blows up to a point where it follows you almost all the time. 

oh how big brother-ish of me. how grossly unoriginal. weed may make one a better story teller, not necessarily a more accurate one.

before i left to get a glass of juice, i had this grand idea of food. that when people ate food made directly from the ingredients available, they were healthy. now that we're changing the chemical nature of natural foods, then we're playing god, and we don't know what we're doing.

wow, that sounded extremely uppity. now wonder i don't think it's such a great idea now that i've got my glass of juice and returned to my computer. at least i focused on what modern foods are really made of for a while, which would probably a good idea for most of us in the world.

but i am certainly not here to preach about food. oh hell no.

i was writing a leter, and i quoted shakespeare:

lady, by yonder blessed moon i swear

that tips with silver all these fruit-tree tops--

o, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon,

that monthly changes in her circled orb,

lest that thy love prove likewise variable.

what shall i swear by?...

...do not swear at all;

or, if thou wilt, swear by the gracious self, and i'll believe thee.

i've never read shakespeare stoned before, sounds pretty nice.

i miss being woken by church bells

i have a hunch c will wake up to exactly that when it becomes morning there. where he is. which is not here.

i have significant swings in opinion about how i feel about c. from time to time, i think of all kinds of wonderful, gaining excitement. but other times i take a step back and look at myself. am i really doing this? am i correctly answering a trick question?

those other times when i'm not all kinds of wonderful, my feelings towards c are pretty ambivalent. 

life is a game; we're all playing.

i'm feeling isolated and even my stream of universal news is running quiet, slow. i try to fill myself with the music. the weed allows me to study my thoughts in peace. i think this is only a phase or brief era. i might not really have any alone time once i do create my tribe, if that is indeed what i choose to do. then i might not get many moments alone!

to reach for those far corners

i just called my electrical outlet a slut because nothing i plug into it stays in.

i am finding this characterization hilarious right now.

i came in from the park and was going to write some poem based on the sensation of winter cold clinging, resisting spring, a strengthening film wrapped on the ends of my fingers. a cold, wet film. but the first thing i think before i start writing is 'hobag' because my electrical cords don't stay plugged in.

how's that for poetry.

i was seeing bizarre things in the park this evening, right at dusk. right when the light plays tricks on your eyes, so they say. i thought i was watching someone wearing a yellow-gold jacket and black pants. i thought they were walking across the open play field. but the person seemed to pause for times, moving further away, or was it towards me. i suspected i was tripping out. but i didn't feel anxious, and everything else seemed normal. i was just as though i was really physically seeing some manifestation. maybe this is how it's being introduced. instead of one day seeing a spirit would be much to startling for me. maybe it'll advance from a far over a period of time.

i can certainly see the so much real people out and about. usually they make some sort of noise in combination with their movement - footsteps, dog-tags jingling. hm, now the word jingling is making me think of chinese people, learning english, as though i were their teacher. me as an english teacher in china? been there, done that.

i just remembered to change my headphones from my ipod to my laptop, so i don't have that confusion over where the controls were. classic.

i'm listening to the lykke li album for the first time. i'm falling in love. it's a great quirky, mash-up harmony of so many classic but eclectic styles. she makes it all so lovely.

my love, it burns it burns

my love will come, my love will come

for you i wait, for you i wait, my love

it sounds so inspiring, as i feel it spiraling down my eardrums, over my breath and into my core. 

i'd do that over any crowed venue, any saturday night. what's more to love than toking up, way way up, and putting on a new record i've never heard. putting on my headphones, turning up the volume. lean back, relaxed arms, simply breathing deeply and listening. the privilege of the experience. the purity of the moment, how the weed aids in focusing, the total absorption of the moment. really reaching towards perfection. so close to completely letting go. it feels good to stretch out that far. 

sonic sensations

the bass string line of 'time to send someone away' by jose gonzales reminds me of the beat of a drum from a past life. the low, thick bounces make some core muscle in my body vibrate. that's the great thing about listening to music stoned - you get to experience the music in your body as a new sensation. 

i was having a problem a moment ago. i am listening to my headphones, so i tried to adjust the volume on my computer. but nothing changed. i tried to mute it, but nothing. i looked down to realize my headphones are plugged into my ipod, not my laptop. such a typical stoner mistake.

especially when i tried to skip to the next song by looking at itunes on my screen. but itunes wasn't running on my laptop then. where was my music coming from?

oh yea, i pod. i'm too busy feeling the music in my core, some soothing beats lengthen, quicker paced bouncy melodies massage out the knots. 

boleros are pretty sexy. the song, not the fashion.

post-modern love song here.

i would definitely never wear eye glasses

i would have to go with contacts but would really prefer laser eye surgery. 

can kids get laser eye surgery? what if i had a kid that needed glasses? for some reason, i'm feeling very 'no, no i do not want eye glasses' even though with advancing time and extensive screen reading time this will be the case eventually. man, getting laser eye surgery done on your kid -- what the hell.

we're all inside, learning how to operate these minds, bodies, and emotions

time doesn't necessarily happen the way we as a conscious humanity define it does. conscious humanity sees time as a line, one point adjacent to one point, adjacent to one point, to infinity. conscious humanity only views time as proceeding forward, and can only imagine time moving backwards, but not perpendicular. existence is an infinite number of parallel lines. one you jump from one line to another, without having to worry about landing perfectly perpendicular in order to not fall back and overlap in time. actually, the old tv show quantum leap wasn't that for off the mark. the exception is that most of us aren't being flung around mid-life cycle. but we are all a soul, an essence, and each incarnation is this new moniker, an identity, a code for a new program. we're all inside, learning how to operate these minds, bodies, and emotions. we all have our own personal sam, and some of us can communicate directly while most others just passively receive intuition and choose to deal with that in their own way.

i was out at the park, smoking and thinking of what i would say in a social situation in which i met c's friends. for some obvious reason, i was thinking it was out in a smoking section of a pub and his friends had weed so i walk over very confidently and say, 'gentlemen, hello. i'd like to introduce myself -- your new friend. is that weed you're smoking, new friend?' charming smile. i would be c's cool stoner friend from . they'd love me - they'd tell him he shouldn't let me slip away.

doubt any of that would happen.

i know where this song comes from. it has the pace and harmony of native american music. golden long grasses, soft rolling hills. it's in our nature. the spring clash of boisterous winds pressing on the charcoal dregs of winter; rumblings. those moments before the gathering of clouds for a tornado. when the winds stop traveling and started circling - i know that feeling. those quiet prairie turns of air. that tension, the gathering of tribes, circling before clash. the golden grains and charcoal clouds, that's the origin of those beats, the drama of the harmonies.

now i'm seeing something i had seen in a past life regression/meditation. i saw my perspective of a woman, an adult. i'm dressed up as though i'm on the frontier, a contemporary of laura ingles wilder. i'm on the frontier, but dressed like a civilized urbanite. i hear my name as elizabeth, or something very common of the time - possibly virginia, or something close. i'm in a sort of dug-out house, on the side of a mild hill. like the little house on the prairie series, yes, i suppose it was called a dugout house. yes, google confirms this - i'm seeing myself in this other lifetime: i'm a grown woman of respectable status out on the prairie in a dugout house, like the one in little house on the prairie. my name or an important relevant name is elizabeth, and a man around my age named michael is also in the dugout house. the walls are all brown, it hasn't been whitewashed like in the l.i.w. book. michael has brown hair and is sat down on the stool, forearms on his lap, looking downwards, and i cannot see his face. it reminds me of michaelangelo from school of athens. [i wonder if michaelangelo wasn't necessarily gay as it is believed, but maybe just asexual because he so obviously has a clear passion he was able to execute in his time.]

this woman i am, on the prairie, i'm not extremely thrilled to be there, it feel like nebraska or kansas, late summer. windy. i'm looking at a pocket watch i have, i'm waiting for someone. i'm waiting for sarah. she's a sister or sister-like bond in that lifetime. i walk out of the dugout and around up the hill above the home. a few dozen yards away there's a wagon train passing, there is a pretty regular stream of traffic, relatively. it's like i'm keeping my eyes on the road for my approaching person named sarah. that's all i could gather from that past life regression/meditation. elizabeth, michael and sarah.

i've been read as having michael the archangel around me - instructed to direct myself towards him when i seek guidance. i've been read as having a female spirit guide, sort of a grandma owl spirit, who's my main teacher. but i don't know her name. 

i need to get on my spiritual horn

that's like a phone. i'd like to dial 411 for information, please.

pose questions, free base answers. ok.

ok, will i see c before graduation? looks like yea, could be, i could see him in the later part of my travels. i'm seeing something like nylons, flesh covered nylons, and there's a cement brick pulling it down, stretching the nylons. it's a metaphor for c, he's as stable as nylon hose and feels as though he has a massive brick in his stomach.

i know that deep gut dragging, that boulder weighing you down. yea, c's pretty fragile right now.

and now i'm thinking that it's funny that people believe in sound waves and electricity, but don't believe in magic. electricity is magic, and so are lots of other things. we can only rationalize so many kinds of magic for the time being -- otherwise we just don't have the capacity or the time to understand these 'magical things.' things about existence and the universe. taking a few steps back and looking at the human race on the planet earth, it's a great place to learn, but it's no place to really be spiritually. we figure out other aspects of existence while here, but in the reality of spirit and the universe, this place is quite old fashioned.

things could be better, but things could be much worse. 

i'm now thinking of something amusing: in these incarnations as humans, as people, we live in a world where we find 'evidence' of 'pre-historic' lizzards, dinosaurs. it's like the preserved garbage of just another time and place in the universe, another world, where things we can hardly imagined have happened. there is a broad range of 'other worlds' here and everywhere, but cannot see its remains from our current perspective.

i think in the grand show of eras and civilizations, our culture will look like the crazy runaway carriage that did incredible things but for the worst reasons. the giant built without a foundation will fall, eventually. this could be the beginning of a huge change in world culture and relations. but of course, every moment is a beginning, middle and end.

hm, how bizarre. 

why am i so obsessed with him?

why aren't i obsessed with me?

that sounds pretty self-centered, i must concede. but why am i so obsessed with him? the him isn't even significant, it's all hims. i spend so much time trying to understand why he did whatever it was he did. so i started thinking 'why do i spend so much time obsessing over him? why aren't i obsessed with me? why aren't i more concerned about my own damn feelings? 

i then thought to myself, 'well, isn't wondering why he whatever because i'm reacting to my feelings, that are apparently caused by him?' but no, that's not correct.

instead of trying to think of ways to somehow control his actions, i should instead focus on circumnavigating him all together and continuing on with my life. maybe i can't move mountains after all. i can't make him care about me. 

i can care about me all the time. i should, actually. most of us should generally treat ourselves with more respect in an infinite number of ways. 

after i get stoned i like to

lay down, listen to music and write. that's what i love to do. that's my number one thing even over mediocre sex. but no, not number one over best fuck of my life. making the best connections is the highest achievement possible. spiritually. finding the best solution to the equation.

i am so high right now that i feel as though i'm feeling 'present'^3, presence cubed. it's as though i'm the interior of an opera house - my bangs and hair look like the curtains, my hands and the keyboards the parquet floor of the auditorium (wow, i've never thought of the word 'auditorium' as an 'audio-imporium' even though that's exactly what it means), my screen is the stage and sets.

i miss theatre. i haven't attended anything resembling entertainment since an arena concert and chick flick since last summer! unfortunately things with c seem to be shaping up rather nicely. i use the word 'unfortunately' as some sort of self punishment for getting my hopes up. i guess i'm judging myself for repeating what looks a bad decision i have made in the past. the audience is not yet sure whether my narration of the action is the reality of it. another voice has yet to enter the narrative, and when it does it will set the record straight.

what a cliffhanger!

so typical, so typically dramatic. but i'm telling you, all my little superstitions i accommodate are giving me the thumbs up here. i don't want to foolishly walk into a disaster zone that i had so confidently thought i had cleaned up. it's tough work being the fool because you have to keep at it. voldemort was good at that - he was game to lead and lead and lead while i fooled myself over and again. we know each other's precise weak spot and know how to pinch and twist it. there's some clause there that indicates when you see an extremely intimate part of someone's spiritual existence, the liability is that they'll also know the way to irritate you the most. hm, that sounds kind of weird. well, when the stakes are high...

explosion of success / bottomless gap of failure

i've been thinking about what my life is really about all day today. i keep thinking of what i need to declare upon finishing the current quickly ending chapter of my life. what will be my declaration once i cross this threshold? now i'm trying to make myself decide if c is another opportunity to take, or am i acting like a blind fool. it's the trick question at the end of the quiz. yes, i suppose there's something about c that makes me want to give it a go because he presents lots of 'trick questions' throughout life. it could be a great way to keep things alive, keep me on my toes, maintaining a certain buzz of excitement. on the other hand, maybe i could not find intimate trust with someone who constantly digs at my confidence, that unstable balance of life and love always in the limbo.

i was outside, at the park, thinking about the letters i receive from c. thinking about telling him things like how much i like his writing, and that i really appreciate the correspondence as it's a welcome distraction from anxiety-producing academia. i would tell him 'yea, isn't it funny how i tend to seek support from distance sources, instead of using what i have around me?' yea, isn't it funny how i'm repeating the pattern. i feel like my running engine is stuttering out. driven into a dead end. i'm on a motorcycle, going through a maze, and now i've come to this dead end. i'm waiting to see if this is it, i've made it to the designated end, or if it is indeed a failure. this is that moment, right before, this is the last conscious moment before the explosion of success, or the bottomless gasp of failure.

or next time i see c, i'll realize it's all be in my head because i potentially realize i'm not attracted to him in a sense i thought i was. yes, that's pretty shady. which is why i'm laughing now. life has some shady business, and the universe has a great capacity for dark, so we really do need to watch ourselves for not dipping too deeply into the bad stuff.

hmmm, well, i asked the source about my impending future, and i got a flashing outline of what looked like a boomerang, but turned out to be japan. me going there, and i asking 'why would i go to japan?' i was shown maybe some contact from london, or someone british (who i don't know yet) will need an assistant while working in japan, asking me to go along. and i can see myself asking if i'll receive any compensation for moving/living abroad, et cetera. looks like a 6 month contact, from winter to summer, so the first half of some year. maybe 2010? i dunno. sounds pretty random to me.

yea, i see c in 2010 reading, studying, the years 2011 and 2012 come up. c will be in school for a while? and then something in 2015, something will occur then, but i have no idea what it is, and whether it's a good or not good thing. 

ceasing to sound

oh god, what if i lost the use of my legs? are you kidding? that would be awful.

i'm experiencing severe lower back and hip pain, out from no where. have no idea what brought it on. i'm having paranoia about the pain, such as thinking it's my body's way of debilitating itself.

scary.

did i just hear someone say hola? sometimes when i'm high i hear things as clear audio, but the moment i realize i'm hearing something form the universe, it stops. my consciousness acknowledges the sound and it reacts by ceasing to sound.

limitless freedom

i love the song 'white winter hymnal.' i feel in love with that song while sitting on a sunny deck of a ferry boat. the song's beat matched the rhythm of the pulsating breeze dominating the atmosphere. the beat, the sun, the wind, the harmonies all felt like freedom.

i'm in the mood for limitless freedom. i'm in the mood for a sprint. i wanna 'shake shake shake.'

i had such great plans for last summer; i wanted to buy an old record player and go thrifty for lps. that's one of those great cliches. i also decided to institute a cocktail hours following work, preceding dinner. three seasons later i'm wondering what happened to those plans. those dreams.

we can smoke a big bowl

and then screeeeeeew. i was standing out in the park, thinking of a guy i knew for a month, just about four years ago. looks like he's the stud du jour. de jour? if only i had been stoned that one chance i had where he made the blunted move ever, then i probably could have had the screwing of a lifetime. movie star muscles, hometown attitude. i could have eaten him right off the cob. for some reason he's dancing around in my head.

you know, smoking weed and feeling high is pretty great. in moderation.

moderation, kids.

i feel like my increasingly sore hip muscle is like an alarm going off, my body reacting to something in my life that's 'pinching' me, emotionally, spiritually. but what is it? my visit to a place beloved, have i fallen under the same spell again? will i be able to see clearly this time?

yadda yadda yadda. blah blah blah.

sometimes when i wonder about voldemort, or i wonder about pills, i usually just put the two together. i wonder which ones he took? i wonder if this is how he felt. we had such an identical upbringing. we're a bizarre transcription of each other, in a way. i just never think of him when i'm sober, but i think that i'm thinking about him all the time that i'm stoned. you know, maybe we were supposed to be stoner buddies but turned into this manipulative saga instead. maybe we were supposed to be stoner buddies in a basement in london for a while. but he is really into unhappy girls because he's learned 'unhappy' from his mom, and he derives the best social pleasure out of making women happy. not necessarily because it's his sentiment, but just for the ego rush of 'because he can.' 

wow, who needs crack cocaine when you have cocoa crispies? i love the latter.

haha, now i'm thinking about twin girls in my junior high school. they hated each other, and for some reason, they came to mind. i remember realizing there were two 'of them' considering there were 800 kids in my class. i asked one 'do you have a twin sister?' she said, 'no, but i have a dog.' ugh. i then realized the twin was in my other class, and i asked her if she had a twin or at least a sister, and she said 'no, but i have a dog.' wow, they can't even come up with individual insults. they hate each other so much, and it's the biggest public display of self-loathing ever. haha, now that's even funnier.

mmm even more crack cocoa crispies.

it's usually not about love. the main themes of peoples' lives aren't necessarily love related, although a strong majority believe so. now i'm thinking that when you die and 'go to heaven' or just get back in touch with those who have also passed, you don't necessarily spend all your time with your spouse of your previous incarnation. your friends on a spiritual plane together, got to encounter each other in this incarnation, did whatever they had to do, and eventually passed back into the spiritual realm. i do believe that we pick the major players in our lives before we incarnate -- you're both working on certain lessons and have agreed to meet while alive and do who knows what. i think we pick both the dear old friends, and the fresh nemeses.

damn, the 8 ball won't give me answers anymore. i asked my question and then turn the answer panel up, but the message thing in the middle never comes up to the surface anymore. i need important answers. i just don't want to see c and think ' here we go again.'

it's meta!

oh god, have i forgot it already? uuuuuuh, oh right. my life, or anyone's life, is like a movie, and they're the star. you have people in your life, who are also other actors playing a part, and then you have your behind-the-sceens group, the producers and directors, the ones guiding the story. getting stoned is like taking a break from the set and hanging out with the production crew. i guess your producer / stage manager is your main guide? your real life friends are your peers who are also stars in movies about themselves.

yea, i was outside, looking at the high cloudy sky sky, and it looked like a chalk drawing on a chalkboard, a cartoon picture of c's head, the brain. and the animation showed simple gears, some sort of jam -- the image progressed to 'a change in gears.' either he's gonna or he's got to change mental gears. i don't know if that's in relation to his break-up, or professional, or life goals? either he will or he needs to change the 'gears' in his mind. yea it's like he stalled out in the wrong gear. doesn't know how it got there, sort of confusion? he was so blind and high on his ego for snagging this girl that he was so close to meeting his insane expectations that he just couldn't see anything other than things playing out perfectly. i mean, it seems like he's shocked, like he thought he was doing really well, and was stunned to fail. but he's experienced failure before, so as surprised as he was, once it 'clicked' in he sort of thought 'oh... right.' i mean, it's sad, but that's life. i've felt the same way in a similar situation.

so it's like i'm in this odd drama with c, and in the middle of the action, i'm pausing and stepping out to talk to the production team. i want to know what happens next, right now! and they're like 'oh would you shush, it's not that much longer.' the action isn't that far away. i really think the girl that dumped him was putting on a show, making it seem more emotional for her than it was. yea, really stagnant communication in that relationship. like, they're so scared of each other in a way, they're walking on egg shells around each other, trying to not offend, or give away anything. they're both a bit weak in that way. 

i guess it's not a balance, the yin and yang, they're both the yin... well no, yang. yang is the masculine, straight and orderly one? yin is the emotional and crazy female... one? oh yea, i bet they're both yang, both uptight. she felt sort of cornered or badgered by him, but sort of subconsciously. maybe she didn't know how to dump him? or she did form an attachment and bond, there is love there, but it's probably not on the passionate side. 

i think c and i have a balance -- he's by the book, i'm the dreaded free spirit. while opposites balance, it doesn't necessarily together, they can balance each other from far ends of the spectrum. like there's a big gap between the two, that can happen.

but i'm already crazy enough, so i don't believe i should be with a yin kind of guy. it doesn't matter what kind of guy i think i should be with, i'm certainly not on the market. this is like the longest intro ever, if my life were a romantic comedy film. 'here's what was happening just before the soulmates met. let's take a look!' and then it flips over to me, smoking weed every night, gossiping about c, or the information i intercept.

i'm sitting here, trying to relax as much as possible and let the flow of knowledge come to me. so i pick up a stream and it's like i'm trying to translate and transcribe the message as best as i can. i feel like i'm in translation school, with typing speed on the side.

now, i'm remembering a reading i had with a medium within the last year or two. she... yea it was just a year ago, i asked her about my developing abilities and i saw a very bright light slide over my vision, forever and in no time at all. i just thought that someone with their headlights drove by, but it was daytime and her front door wasn't on a street, no cars. i realized that's my guide's... light. ha, ha, ha, my 'guide(ing) light.' i've since seen twinkles, and one other flash in deep meditation. i don't really hear things, they're more in my mental ear, not physical. same with physical sensation, it's a mental representation, i don't actually feel anything on my body directly. the descriptions, the way that information is conveyed, always captures the essence of the meaning. the animation of c's 'mental gear shift' was a chalkboard, which is usually found in an educational setting. yes, he's aware that he's chosen the 'pain = learning' formula, which is kind of a... garden variety way of dealing with it. ah, what a great description, 'garden variety.' yea, he's kind of a 'garden variety' of characteristics, an even keel of various generally 'good' aspects.

god, i keep thinking i'm seeing a miniature david caruso standing on my book shelf. i think it's because there's some round yellow thing on the bookshelf that looks like a head in my peripheral vision, a mustardy yellow, just like david caruso, resident ginge' on csi: miami. god i hate that show, but i still watch it anyway! agree: y/y?

ugh, whenever i've been stoned lately, some hyper-critial little voice comes out, keeping an eye on what i'm eating. i bet the caffeine kept me going so long that after not eating for 6 hours just eating a little bit tidied me over. so i'm like 'whoa, what's with the critical intake-observation today, i've hardly eaten anything! i haven't even had dinner yet.

really tired of toast.

hm, i'm asking 'how will things be between c and i when i see him soon?' the image i'm getting is that he's looking at his watch, keeping an eye on the time, tapping his watch and saying 'time is ticking!' but about what? what's he so impatient about? he's anxious about something, something time related. pacing about, looking out the window. is he anxious to see me? is he anxious about seeing me? or is it something totally different? totally not about me? it's hard to receive the information because i'm trying to analyze it at the same time, which is just a no. write it out first, think about it second.

i think my judgement is clouding (i went with 'clowding' there originally) my receptiveness. how can i receive info about c, regarding me, objectively? wow, nice rhyme, universe.

when i'm stoned i can focus so well that the info comes quickly, densely. it's always a surprise because i'm so closed off when i'm sober that most things just bounce right off me, my ego is pretty assertive. when i'm sober i am barely open to receive information, so it's just a trickle. when i'm stoned it's a flashflood.

how do i feel about going to paris? that's what my guide is asking me, so it seems. how do i feel about going to paris? um, didn't see that one coming, but sure? summer time in france. 

my co-conspirator

oh right. so i'm having this fantasy that c and i become life partners and professional colleagues down the path. c receives accolades for his creation titled 'sensuous curvation' or something equally everything and it will be speculated that my curvation was the inspiration. what if the curves of my bottom, my hips, my belly, my thighs, my cheeks, my breasts. i found that very amusing, but now that i've spelled it out, i don't know if i would really appreciate that.

and now i find that really amusing.

acquired good news recently, so i took a walk to my meditation spot today to say thanks. i've gone to that spot when i've been in a great deal of pain, and i do feel better.

finding your soulmate feels like getting a vip pass for a one on one show with the best entertainer in the world. the one who excites you the most.

i think i've regained my interest in c recently, concerning his expression of what he desires to do with his life, as in his life work. his vision is something i'd happily support, as i agree with his choices and intentions. it's this expression of work that shows his spiritual connection to the universe. i had spent time trying to find his spiritual connection, as if rooting through the boot of his car, trying to find it, as he's standing behind me, trying to show me. i just haven't been paying attention to what he's been saying. i often try to lead him towards answering my questions, but i haven't been good about just listening to him saying whatever is on his mind. i need to listen to what is on his mind. i can't be pestering him about things all the time, he has his whole world of opinions, too. i need to stop trying to milk him for information. the same way i need to stop grasping at intuition for answers, instead of just seeing what messages come through.

writing is a great way to get the universal flow to come out of you. the conscience is forever being created and destroyed. every instant that passes is the newest and the oldest, the chic-est and fashion deprived-est. 

i love the memories i get to see when i smoke. certain scents of burning wood in the air take me to different continents, eras, ways of existence, but everything is familiar. there's that clicking sound again that i often heard in my bedroom as a child. certain scents bring about the environment. the smell of my grape bath oil, smelled crude like the tangy fruit. smelled like potent red wine. like how that episode of 'i love lucy' where the girls stomp grapes at a winery --

I just paused, and thought of the future, being in a big 4 poster bed with c, the morning after an evening of wine, and looking at him and telling him how lucky and happy i feel. of how i didn't know life could be so good.

that is one hell of a stoner delusion. but if bad things were approaching, wouldn't i get paranoid?

see, i think i just got paranoid.

i've been so far removed from lovey feelings out of self protection and recuperation for the last long while that i'm stunned as i'm having these tingling happy fingers thinking about how sweet love can truly be. it's been so long.

yea, i am making a hustle, but it is taking a long time and i'm getting fatigued. i really have pushed through the toughest parts and am in the home stretch. i feel as though i could drop, but i need to let the universal pulse, the kinetic energy i've saved up propel me to the finish line. this is a tough chapter, and i'm thinking i'm being poetic and progressive in the way i'm executing it's creation: stoned blogging.

this chapter is mostly boring in mainstream appeal, but it's fascinating in some weird minor key psychological levels. i just feel more like myself when i'm stoned. i love that feeling. i really do love myself and i do love what i choose for my life, but there are so many things in the sober world that make self satisfaction pretty difficult. weed reminds me that i love myself, and it gives me time in the day to treat myself well. it helps me take care of myself, because i apparently have a hard time relaxing otherwise. 

my major weakness is my inability to deal with stress in a healthy way. it's difficult for most people. 

and now that i will be seeing c in a short while, i'm running around all love sick, just dying to repeat a really stupid pattern. that, or it's requited and then life completely changes. or everything is the same but now i have a co-conspirator.

that's probably the best descriptor for c: co-conspirator.

we are stoner the girls

this song is a great lead in: 

well it's been a long time, long time now

since i seen you smile

and i'll gamble away my fright

and i'll gamble away my time

and in a year so, a year or so

this will slip into the sea

well it's been a long time, long time now

since i've seen you smile

a great lead into the movie of my fictional life. the way i would screen write my life. here begins the story of my life as a depressed person girl who has drifted into weed addiction, completely lost. sitting at her laptop, headphones on, blogging all the things she thinks while high.

'i had some interesting company in the park this evening. someone strolled ever so slowly along the sidewalk, me standing 5 yards in towards the park's oval track. realized the slow was also smoking the gange. then realized the slow was female, and apparently on the young side.

"there's another one of me. there are legions of us: we are the stoner girls."'

i vein in my eyebrow is spazzing out and i have to press on it to stop it from jumping out of my face.