these are the dramas of our lives

now i'm having these annoying images presented to me regarding c and his recent break-up. similar to how i was constantly thinking of voldemort whenever i got stoned, even though i consciously resisted those thoughts. these days i get stoned and the first messages that want to pop up are about c's break-up, of which i'm growing tired. tonight's image, and i've seen it before, is c's ex as a chinese princess, him as a valiant white knight, in multi-layered meanings of the word, which he would be sure to include with the poetic vows he writes for his beloved fucking chinese princess. c likes to talk about the ideas of nobility, honour, what is righteous and the like. with his princess, there he stands in glory as the good guy finally taking his rightful place in the winner's circle.

well, maybe these are the ideas i'm projecting onto the situation. projecting my insecurities, mocking... i think this may have something to do with the need to win. just because i passed on that opportunity, something inside me wants to make sure he couldn't do better than me. which is all kinds of 'wrong' and jealous, and human.

these are the dramas of our lives.

these days i'm closing another chapter of my life, reviewing my existential status, approaching my return into the abyss of opportunity. i can hold my own out there, i'm just trying to figure out my best conversation strategy. finding the best way to hit the ground running. 

it would serve me better to spend more time thinking about that, rather than c and his chinese princess. so he found his better option. just as i'm sure mine doesn't exist.

do you ever notice after smoking for a period of time, not all thoughts are happy ones? ones like i could never return to china, because that feels like drowning. i have an idea of what i might want to do with myself in the overall scheme, but i'm trying to figure out my hesitation.