i used to have a lot of anxiety, when i was younger. at some point i figured out how to block the anxiety, mute it's message of fear and worry. about what? what does that matter; anxiety is about fear and worry, regardless of anything else. there's just nothing worse than failing when you confront your anxieties. the last time that happened, i went into shock and felt the negative effects of the reverb. i think after a while, i decided there's no way i could ever let myself get burned that badly again.
i put it all away. decided what i needed to do, to believe, to be less of my anxiety. well, turning off my reception of an important aspect of my well-being, this anxiety that was controlling me. even after i thought i had mellowed out, i was simply ignoring the bills of how much i was spending for the facade, and my own belief in it. i really thought i had made improvements. maybe i have handled some anxiety front and center; it's possible.
but the end result was my anxiety built up to an unmanageable level, and it found its way out of me by busting a squishy disc in the lumbar region of my spine. yes, i was probably also abusing my back strength in general. i think bodily stresses find their way out where weakness already exists.
... just had a brief daydream, even now at night: i was imagining c and i have a laugh as we figure out how to look each other in the eyes despite using a webcam. we talked on skype webcam the other day, and you look at your screen to see your co-conversationalist, not at your webcam which is several inches above the image on the screen. and what you're looking at is your co-conversationalist looking down, not up, at you in the eye. we're both looking at each other looking away... you're looking at someone who's looking away from you.
incredibly lonely, really. who's looking at you? you can say 'my co-conversationalist is looking at me' but if they were, you'd make eye contact. instead you see them looking down. it's like watching someone watch you. it's voyeurism, and it makes for awkward conversation in some circumstances.
returning to the daydream, i was seeing c and i talking about this precise aspect of webcam chat, and him and i devising a game where one looks into their webcam while the other looks at the screen, then we get a rhythm going where we alternate our gazes from screen to cam so that it seems like we get to look each other in the eyes every other moment. it all ends with us laughing.
that's what i'm struggling with -- focus. i wanted to write about my anxiety and its connection to my healing and recovery. i talk about this anxiety that i've ignored -- but then i drift off to some little scene that contradicts exactly what i'm trying to focus on. i've been ignoring my anxiety, it's caused this injury, and healing my emotional health is part of healing my physical health. relationships give me plenty of anxiety and i keep reminding myself to let go of c, i'm really working on the anxiety i have about being abandoned... blah blah blah.
point being, when i'm pro-actively trying to deal and heal, why do i go and have these little flights of fancy, making me forget everything i'm trying to learn. i'm really trying here.
this is hard. maybe that's the point.
* * *
as i was walking back from the park, the message was my anxiety as a package and that 'it's addressed and stamped -- send it off.' it's finished and is ready to go; release it.
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