dirty barbecue / marital ice cream scoop / squirming away

i was in the park, leaning against the trunk of a large trees, it's long limbs bowing to the earth. smoking from a pipe. i watched as a pair of middle aged parents tried to get their less-than-3-year old to engage in a game of catch with them. the tossed the ball to him, which he completed ignored and did not even react to. the parents would tell him to turn around and direct him to pick up the ball, turn around, throw it back. they did this over and over, the kid completely disinterested. it was hilarious, as the parents would try to demonstrate by tossing it to each other, but they couldn't catch or throw properly themselves. one would toss the ball short of the other, so that they'd have to walk and bend over to get it. i mean, he was just doing the exact same thing they were -- sucking at playing catch. 

i laughed and laughed. i wonder if they heard me.

they must have smelled me anyhow. the very young child had basically turned its back in the parents and walked towards a sandbox and playground, vaguely in my direction. the mom walked with the tot, but as they went the dad said 'no, no, don't go over there... daddy doesn't like it over there...' the wife turns to look back at him, probably wondering why, and he said 'it's dirty over there, don't go over there, it's dirty...' and my stoned ass was positive he bobbed his head in my direction.

was he alluding to my presence as 'dirty?' that's quite funny if it is, but i live in a weed-friendly place. wow, was i really called dirty? it didn't occur at the time, but now i wonder if that was a censored slur, dirty hippy. did someone actually kind of call me a dirty hippy?

well, if that isn't hilarious, i don't know what is.

back to the story, the mom and tot walk over to the playground despite dad's warning against the nearby dirtiness. a handful of moments pass, i continue smoking, the dad still the furthest away takes a deep breath in and says 'smells like barbecue' he says, 'do you smell barbecue?'

'smells like barbecue, yea' says the mom, 'can you smell the barbecue? can you smell the barbecue?' the mom patronizes her poor toddler. well, for their sake, i hope they actually could smell barbecue, because of course i didn't. i was really hoping they weren't trying to get their kid to think the scent of weed smoke was barbecue so that 1.) the kid doesn't have to know what marijuana is and 2.) so that when their kid smells this scent again, mostly likely in mixed company, he won't be so ill-mannered to say 'smells like weed!' but will rather confuse or charm instead.

/

why do i have to get married and receive an ice cream scoop as a gift instead of scraping it out of the carton with a big regular spoon? why is a marital ice cream scoop the preferred? what's really so wrong about living like a vagabond?

/

have a growing fear that i do not necessarily have the feelings for c that i might have suggested i did, or at least not anymore. i just get stoned and think about what we don't have in common. i fear that he still thinks i have these feelings, so there's an impending awkwardness about my approaching arrival. what if he's not excited about my showing up, but he will regain his feelings for me - so that he's after me and i'm squirming away from him. again. that would be pretty awful. it's a good thing i'm not going there specifically to see him, i'm doing a bit of professional work and staying at his place. he may be there or he maybe be gone to china. what if i reeeeaaally don't want him, would that push him over some kind of edge? really hope not.