fewer cliche endings

i need to understand the irrelevance of making plans most of the time. we're all here working on what you could call spiritual lessons, coming to a better understanding of what it is i'm participating in this time around. there are lessons of all sizes, but you need to recognize what you're learning in accordance with what you're experiencing. i think i've done better this time, in terms of expectations...

i need to know what my feelings and expectations are, because they're sort of inversely proportional. the more feelings i have invested in a situation, the less i can expect the situation to reach my expectations. i suppose there's a correlation of the more feelings i have, the higher my expectations tend to be. that's pretty normal - we're all so easily disappointed in everything. we achieve so much, yet ignore it because we just want more and more. i should set smaller benchmarks in my expectations and appreciate what is diligently achieved. it's a slow climb, but it's still a climb. 

i've recently had a complete change in my plans, everything i had worked for, the reward i was encouraging myself with, abruptly stopped. i've absorbed the shock of the unexpected blow, and now feel as thought i'm hanging in slow motion, seeing in which direction i recoil towards. i know this change in plans is intentional by the means of the universe - i wasn't meant to go, no matter what my ego tried to do. my ego is trying to repeat a pattern, and my higher knowledge is restraining me from the back of my hoodie collar. 

so i didn't go back to london, didn't see c. would have made a fool of myself anyways, and why do that for a tenth time, really? you know what, i just need to let him go, let him escape to china again, let him and his chinese princess get back together. it was probably all just a diversion anyway. this is simply a boring phase of my life. the time that lay dormant for which will later be fertile. i'm not talking baby talk here, it's more a phrase from some tarot cards i use.

yea, that's not stereotypically hippiesh? or are hippies and the occult really that close? maybe i'm confusing hippies with gypsies. whatever.

so my spiritual higher self is achieving something in this test, showing a bit of wisdom and maturity in the face of this set-back. not the tantrum i had in front of v. i've done a decent job of protecting myself from becoming vulnerable in a scenario with expectations. although when i'm sober i hold out for that slightest of chances for the story to end happily. for the impossible to happen. 60% in denial. 100% vulnerable.

so it looks like c might reunite with his ideal, leaving me out on the stoop in the cold, the orphan in the rags, staring in the windows in victorian times, a chimney-sweep kind of kid. c would ultimately choose to not allow me back in this life. i'd be turned away and have to start at the roots, build once again. but this time i'm not so hurt because i finally know that an approaching future unknown is not necessarily a bad thing; there's no real reason to fear it. go with the flow and see where it takes you.

i used to have so much anxiety about where the flow would take me, my ability to cope, adjust and learn. different directions aren't necessarily the wrong way. for all i know, i've just avoided a disaster and certain death. this might be the best thing that's every happened to me, or the event that puts in motion a process with a great conclusion approaching.

i need to find someone who treats me as well as my mom does. someone who simple loves me and cares about what's best for me. maybe i've started the warpath to that person. this is the beginning of the romantic comedy movie of my life: how i meet the man i'll probably spend my life with. but life's way better than hollywood - much fewer cliche endings.