making note of my discomfort

i sat outside, on the new bench in the park, this evening. i sat there and thought 'alright, let's pretend c is sitting here on the bench; pretend you've gone to london and he does in fact stay long enough to see you.' what is it i want to say? and does it really even matter if i ever say these things to him?

the more i thought about it, too many aspects of c, my relationship with him and his relationship with his chinese princess, sit uncomfortably with me. the bottom line is that i feel too uncomfortable with c to seriously consider him a potential partner. c and i have essentially kept each other on our respective back-burners while we've had other relationships in our own worlds; i've grown impatient to regain his attention while he is still dealing with his own problems. but now i'm thinking we don't have anything in common anymore. i've noticed my relationship has been me showing him my vulnerable aspects in hopes to entice him to do the same, but he doesn't. c doesn't get personal, at least not with me. so i show a bit more, hoping he'll feel confident to do the same. he doesn't.

now it's gone on so long i think i've exposed far too much of my very private business to him, to no avail of reciprocation. i wouldn't say i'm embarrassed, much more so annoyed. that's all the applause i get for such a production? that's the thanks i get?

but as i sat on that bench in the park, i thought 'i don't want to play this game anymore.' i don't want to play this way with c, i think we've both poisoned it enough in our own ways: me over-indulging c, c taking without giving in return. so it occurred to me, 'then stop playing.'

sounds like a good idea.

* * *

i woke this morning with the sweetest dream of p i've had in ages. i know i must be stoned right now if i'm easily able to fantasize up a little dream of p coming back to me, declaring his love and us spending our lives together cuddled up against the fresh night air. p lives for fresh air.