yes no maybe, is all i need to hear from you

i've been told to write about my emotional issues as a way to heal my current back injury.

i sat on the bend, looking at the thinly clouded sky. i need him to be a great audience. he needs to know how to make me shine. he'll live for my performances. he's into the drama, at least somewhat. i need a man who knows how to be a great audience to my emotional needs. 

i love being popular, i love getting attention. i need that factor considered for my life mate. he can be funny, but not funnier than me, never waiting after my schpiels to one-up me in the end. we should be as funny as the other, and even funnier together. that's what i need to love about him.

my first collection writings could be 'my stoner life,' and the sequel could be called 'the life of a surgeon's wife.' how a middle class girl struggles with adapting to the semi-society life of running in the professional surgery circles. oh boo hoo, what a sob story.

oh right, but i need to write about my emotional needs, or was it issues? i don't think she called them issues, but something of the like. the image i see is like a large, felted collection of outer wear layers cracking open, lifting up and away from me. 'it's time to shed all those layers i'm still wearing, still carrying around.' maybe winter is over, it's like my endless layers of experiences finally shedding -- i can shed the build-up of the past -- i can shed the past. i can let go of it now. in order to move on, let go of the past so that i can grasp for the future.

not bad advice.

i'm shaping, sculpting my objective, making sure that i get what i want down to the last detail. i have to make known what it is i want, so that the forces that be can do what needs to be done -- whether that is to assist, or not.

i woke up from that surgery a happier person. whatever it was that was depressing me so long, finally crippling me physically, was removed. 

i was in the kitchen, waiting for my toast, thinking about my new instant-happiness. i thought up the little speech i'd make during my one month check up with the surgeon (and hopefully the resident that i'm planning to marry in my dreams -- this is how we're supposed to re-connect). i'd tell him how i just didn't realize how sad i was, now that i feel as happy as i am. it's like the surgery took away the black cloud that's been hanging over my head for... years now. 'i woke up from that surgery a happier person,' i'd tell them, showing the young resident doctor that i had indeed shed those layers of the past, i was ready for him. 

as i stood out in the park, continuing to dream up my dream of falling in love, i knew that i really need to let go of the past. the best part was realizing that letting go won't be that hard -- i don't care that much anymore. so london's in my past; i nearly had a close encounter with it, but i'm not heartbroken. even when tempted, i can successfully let go of the past.

that's a nice place to be within myself, able to let go of the past, approaching a fresh clearing for a new start. it feels like springtime, i'm approaching my time to proper. well, that's good news. 'the hard part is almost done.'

but when i was waiting for my toast in the kitchen, thinking about expressing my exuberant joy in my newfound happiness, i got paranoid and thought 'maybe they'll think i've gone manic... ugh that cannot be good,' so if i do mention it when i see the doc next, i'll keep it brief.

i've been told to write out my emotional issues, and i've started with ending -- how i finally 'got happy,' less within my control than i had thought previously. 

i have to keep in mind that everything i feel is not a fact. the reasons you keep yourself depressed are not necessarily true. not all criticism are correct, neither are all compliments (think: back-handed compliments). i don't have to listen to what people say -- i listen because i want to make sure i can do whatever it is i need to do to win their favor. that's something v and i had in common, the low self-value issue, although i do think his intensity was a bit higher than mine. i may have my insecurities, but i'm overall more secure in myself than v has been in himself. 

we were just two insecure people, and that's about it. that's why it's easy to let that one go now.

looks like my emotional issues are starting to clear up...