another hostage situation

i've had my second intensely realistic and very violent dream about being in a hostage situation. the first time i dreamt of being in a hostage situation was soon after my recent surgery, when i was still taking narcotic pain meds, or at least to help me sleep at night. i don't recall much of it now, other than my parents and i were being held hostage... and i swear i'm not kidding here, but i think we were being held hostage by girls, girl scouts-aged girls. i suppose there's some sort of subconscious symbolism there, like i'm letting my 'inner little girl' control me or something. well, if that's the case, then i have no idea what my inner little girl wants for ransom. 

the second dream i had, i'm not sure it necessarily qualifies me as being held hostage, but i consider fearing for my life while at the mercy of some ominous force to be in the same sort of fear family.

the entire dream i'm hiding in a house, worrying. fearing for my life. hiding from some police or military soldiers [what's so honorable about signing up to fight for a certain side in a battle? we shouldn't be fighting at all. there's nothing honorable about participating in something dividing, only in uniting, brining together, healing]. they're raiding all the homes in the neighborhood that have been marked in a certain way. in the dream i do not know if i'm in a house marked to be raided. the action of the dream was entirely hiding, waiting, listening, fearing.

the meaning of the dream is mostly the context: in my dream world, the planet had become so over-populated that the global government (of sorts) decided to implement measures to contain population growth. the global government introduced something along the lines of the voluntary human extinction movement, and those wanting to commit to never reproducing needed to indicate so by placing a round sign, pictured as the globe, outside their home. 

the apparent outcome of the global government's labeling project somehow turned into the military raiding homes that did have the sign, the soldiers killing all inside. it feels like a bad guy vibe, where all those who were willing to be the last of their own kin in a nod to decreasing global population, improving the future of the imminent humanity that will indeed live on -- aren't respected and left alone, but made martyrs by being killed very violently. 

and what for? that's where part of the fear comes from: the uncertain. in the dream it feels as though there's a rumor that another house in the neighborhood was mistakenly marked, the people that died inside were the family of a classmate i had during my childhood. the twist to the rumor is that the house had been intentionally marked by someone who didn't like the family.

and there i was for the entire dream, hiding in some home, dreading what felt like an inevitable death regardless of the fact that i couldn't logically figure out what it was i feared: had i chosen to label myself something that was now clearly in the line of fire? or if not, was it possible there could be anyone who would want to sabotage me?

the dream was in some sort of hyper-realistic world, all senses heightened. the echoing rattle of gunshots through out the neighborhood. the absolute stillness of everything besides the gunshots. no wind, no birds chirping, no dogs barking, nothing but still tension.

/

i've been thinking about the meaning of this dream as i've been writing it out. the plot doesn't really make sense -- people of a certain belief are indicated as such, for what seems like a positive reason... only to be slaughtered. i suppose the suspenseful, fearful setting of the dream is not too unlike how nazi raided towns and killed jews, that is, if they had the stars on their clothing.

incredibly frightening. as i described the context of the dream, i found myself filling in blanks that weren't necessarily included in the dream. i started to write that some sort of belief-driven group instigated the systematic killing of those who hung the round earth sign outside their homes -- but that wasn't in the dream. in the dream, personally volunteering to extinct your line of kin wasn't necessarily a good thing... in fact, it seemed subversive. although in waking life i am aware that scientists say that the earth is currently over-populated and it will break down as the human race depletes the earth's resources, to which i agree, maybe i didn't necessarily agree in my dream. one of my thoughts in the dream, when trying to figure out if i, or my family, were voluntary extinct'ers was 'well, if they want to end their use of the earth's resources, why wait until they die? why not just end them now so that there's more for those who do want to continue humanity?' i guess that would have put me on the 'not a round earth-sign person.'

doesn't it seem odd that my subconscious is more conservative than my conscious thoughts? then again, your subconscious is supposed to hold your taboos, isn't it... i guess i'm uncomfortable with conservative logic. maybe it's some sort of guilt over thinking that sometimes, people ask for it, or get what they have coming. 

/

now that i think about it, this is the same dream i was having in vienna, about the guy trying to get in the house because he was going to kill me. he was a random dark haired man, and i tried getting help -- i was standing in a room full all my friends and family, screaming at the top of my lungs, and everyone carried on as though no one could see or hear me. i always woke up after he broke into the house but before he killed me.

in my hostage dream recently, though, i didn't make a sound. 

/

my dreams have been more violent lately. usually my dreams are all symbolic of anxiety, it's always fear, i always feel like i'm chasing something, or being chased. i can't reach what i want, or demise is biting at my heels. maybe the violent dreams are just condensed anxiety dreams, packing more of a punch as the burden of fears piles up.