can you hold? i'm having a difficult life

what i tell me about myself is not necessarily the truth. that is the big message i need to listen to now. my ego, my incarnation, has its personality, and maybe mine isn't so genuine. maybe my ego is a liar. maybe not, but my intuition says that the things i tell myself that create my identity -- some of those things aren't true. i never tell myself some certain truths, and sometimes i may tell myself untruths, i will believe lies if it makes me feel better.

this thought of what i tell me about myself is not necessarily the truth came from thinking about whether what i express in this medium is fiction or nonfiction, whether what i write here is truthful or not. my intuitive voice started up, showing me a larger-framed context. i need to see the bigger picture. looking as though my life is laid out in front of me on a drafting table, one of my trickiest obstacles in this incarnation is my ego; this is a sticky one. i watched the things my intuition showed me:

i feel as though i have more of a relation or understanding of male or yang perspective, thus i'm learning to appreciate being female or yin this time around, as challenging as it can be. but i feel as though i have this typical male strength and thirst for competition. it feels like i have quite a bit of experience spiritually, some sort of rank or distinction -- i have the abilities and resources to do great things. that's what my ego feels like.

the challenge is achieving that rank and distinction from the most indistinct of launching pads: the as average and middlest-of-roads female humanly possible. well obviously in the industrious world, seeing as i'm writing english prose and publishing it to the internet by using a computer. but of all the people that have those same abilities... i'm lost in their sea. i feel as though i need to do great things simply because i can, but i'm annoyed at having to figure how to navigate this abysmally ordinary life.

i often feel as though around me are saying 'we're waaaiting...' - waiting for me to do the whatever i'm supposed to do, and i don't know how to tell them i'm waaaiting too. i feel as though i should hand out little business cards that say 'can you hold? i'm having a difficult life...' and maybe the listener would be waiting to hear that ended with 'at the moment.' but no, i don't think it's a difficult life at the moment -- i think it's most of the time.