so this is when i start smoking during the day

before the traditional workday even ends. on a tuesday. this is exactly when i become a full-blown stoner, i guess. i had such an unhappy day, harping on old pains of the past. i know it's just psm. i know that i'm not really angry at what i think i've been angry about all day. it's so incredibly disruptive, makes me feel so awful inside, provokes me to lash out. at the people who come to me, my friends, something about this change in hormones makes me angry for no reason, and i really don't like feeling that way.

which is why i'm getting stoned in the middle of a tuesday in may. smoking during daylight hours, out in the alley, makes me pretty paranoid. although i'm in my room, all doors and windows closed, i can still hear a neighbor's lawnmower. can still hear the landlord's racket above me. i need to get stoned so that i can take a break from worrying about my financial situation. from harping on the 'why' i needed this surgery, the why of 'why couldn't i have the opportunity i wanted?'

i spent the first two weeks after recovery in some sort of mildly euphoric state. i was aware of it, but didn't care about the why of it all. it felt good -- who cares why?