i gotta pick one. if i actually want to be with p in the state i wish him to be, maybe i owe the universe a simplification of my spiritual beliefs? loose touch with my intuition because i will need a prescribed ideology to base my life -- for p, that is. if i want it to be p and me, the trade off might be shutting out my intuition.
uh, god that would suck. well no, p didn't have a negative reaction to his own intuitive thoughts. so maybe the impression i'm getting is more of the universe taking away my intuitive ear if i want to be with p. that's a strange and undesirable outcome.
maybe i'm maxing out my toking. i do hear critical thoughts when i smoke, but i usually catch and remind myself that i don't need to listen to nonconstructive criticism.
so whatever the reason, i guessing i'm thinking that if were to be with p in a manner of my choosing, i might need to ascribe to some of his chrisitian-like values. he's a mennonite for hell's sake.
god i miss his face. now i'm getting the impression that he'll be the cliche 40-something who's hard partying past catches up to him in some sort of serious medical condition. heart disease or something. if he's able to carry out a successful career, which may happen when he decides to really grow up, and i get the sense he'll be pleased with his success. but a health issue is gonna take him for a spin. that looks like his forecast.
if i impose myself on that, where he's the relationship i want and need, i may need to sacrifice -- move to his rinky-dink town. but the sensation of coming home from a stressful day, lying with him in bed, my head on his chest, whispering 'baby i love you,' it sense really lazy warm chills through the back of my knees.
i had a coffee date with 'ski over the dinner hour yesterday. it was really great, now that i reflect on it. we met in a part of town neither of us lives in, got coffee, and then he walked us over to a park that had a pond, or as he called it a lake. now that i re-call what i wrote in my profile, 'i like checking out new parts of the city, getting coffee, and going for a stroll.' we did all three. this guy actually listened.
it has me thinking that his explicit intelligence played an important part in our date -- he was a smart listener. i know i have joked about loving cute but dumb guys... but 'ski just slammed them all to shame. [i'm so impressed -- but at the same time thinking 'don't act like this is the best thing ever. sure i've dealt with aloof dumb dumbs, but i should be better at realizing who the smart listener guys are by now. maybe this should be the baseline.' maybe i've been allowing myself to be rather disrespected in prior relationships and maybe this is the time to increase the quality of who i choose to spend my time with.]
well, that's quite a sell there, universe. even if it's not an intentional sell, my guiding voice is pointing out quite clearly that there *are* different options around me, and to be open to where these new paths lead. i was also impressed with how he gently waved his had over the occasional bug on my arm or shoulder, instead of an aggressive swipe. a mature wave, from a young guy. that another difference i find rather promising. rather odd now, i just did spell check, and three words in the paragraph are highlights as incorrectly spelled: intelligence, disrespected, and relationships. but all are spelled correctly as is. the conjunctions i'm and two i've(s) are highlights because they're not capitalized, which is correct. but i was a bit puzzled as to why... but why couldn't this be the universe or any of my guides pointing out two very important things: intelligence is a very important quality i need in a mate, and i haven't been listening to or validating that necessarily (spending my time and energy on academically intelligent guys doesn't automatically make them socially or emotionally intelligent, and the ever present need to consider my opinions and feelings. as i've been told, stop worrying about what he thinks -- what do i think about this situation? i'm recognizing my need of an intelligent mate, and i'm owning up to allowing guys from my past to disrespect.
this is rather mayjah.
so i can look at my two options as retaining and growing my intuitive abilities throughout my life, without p, or i can kill the intuitive abilities but i get my perfect p, our time filling with resting my head on his chest and whispering 'baby i love you.'
for better or worse, this is still not a clear choice for me.
also, trees are important to the human condition.
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