a guy who's not a complete narcissistic d-bag.

voldemort was the kind of guy who could get away with whatever he wanted, and he knew it. what i need is a guy who knows what he could get away with, but doesn't do so for personal gain. v would take absolutely everything; the guy i need wouldn't take everything out of respect.

identity: overdue

sounds like the message is that i have a hard time remaining myself, i get caught up in trying to be what the guy wants. sure sounds like an identity issue. one of my life themes is the identity crisis. 

i have a hard time distinguishing myself from others -- in a coherent way. i pretty much act and react on a case by case basis, i'm fond of contextual significance and have difficulty respecting dictated rules, laws, conditions. how can you say what is or is not 'ok' before it even happens? i'm having visions of myself writing a radical political manifesto -- writing something that looks at why you're doing X instead of being concerned with what you're doing, what X is. 

might that be a more sophisticated society, one that is concerned with intention, not just action?

i don't really care to have a pre-ordained identity plan in my life, but society is really demanding it nonetheless.

dear cc

are you a stoner? i was sitting out on the park bench, thinking about our afternoon today. thinking about how i felt disappointed about not feeling a spark with you. you weren't what i had hoped for.

it was nice meeting you, really, but i didn't spark. that's usually an irreparable deal-breaker.

i feel as though i should give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him if he is a stoner, like me. i would tell him 'smoking weed has been an integral part of healing my back surgery. if it's not a significant aspect of your opinion of me, well maybe it could at least be notable.' like maybe even though we don't feel compatible while sober, we could experience an entirely different relationship high. 

isn't this one of the most common themes in love?; 'would we be together, if only we could be different people entirely?'

p as a gladiator

standing out in the park, thinking of how p took latin as his second language requirement in high school. there's something exquisitly nerdy about that, punctuated by how un-nerdy p acts. his group of friends are the small town deliquents. not complete badasses, but not complete poseurs. not country-ish, but not nascar-ish either. they do their fair share of drugs, fighting, and random stupid shit. binge drinking, hockey and video games are a constant. p is the brains of the organization, but not the alpha male. he fits in, makes sure not to stand out. a loyal pack member.

it's this question-less dedication to his pack that annoys and disappoints the hell out of me about p.

now i'm annoyed at myself for now recalling the annoying instead of the pleasurable aspects of my thoughts of p. standing in the park, thinking of p learning latin in high school -- was this part of his inspiration to attend law school? completely unrelated?

i chose the path of more fun and envisioned p saying things like 'i have fond memories of ancient rome.' the visual is p in a cartoon profile, taking a bite out of large chunk of time, his slab of time reading roman empire. a literal taste of the time. i can picture him in a simple white toga, sandals, a laurel wreath-like crown hair edging his dome. [one of the things i like best about p was that while he was clearly early on the road to hair loss, i could picture him with no hair on the top and i still thought he looked hot. that looked like a keeper to me.]

if i'm going to fantasize about some guy, why not make it a fantasy i really enjoy? if i want p to be a gladiator, so what? that's what's great about getting stoned -- allowing myself to dream whatever i want. it's a positive experience. 

maybe p as an ancient scholar. his fundamental wisdom stems from ancient knowledge [but he's still a contemporary soul who's dealing with its own purposes, choices and consequences]. i'm intrigued and turned on by his intellectual ability; i find his face very pleasing and i've come to realize i would still feel attracted to him after loosing his hair. i'm so into his head; weird. he's a certain denomination of christianity -- not quaker, but not mormon either. they have a belief in pacifism, and i'm wracking my brain trying to remember what it was called. it's a belief in leading a simple life--

mennonite. 'a member of an evangelical protestant sect, originating in 16th century europe, that opposes infant baptism, practices baptism of believers only, restricts marriage to members of the denomination, opposes war and barring arms, and is noted for simplicity of living and plain dress.' 

why do i keep distracting myself from thinking of p as a gladiator. why and i looking up the definition of mennonite?

maybe if i allow myself to think of him in pleasurable (gladitorial) ways, i'll remember that i'm missing him but am hesitant to try contacting him again.

food stoner

it's not meant to be an ironic oxy-moron. it's just that in the last few years, as my dad has aged, everything he eats is 'the best _____ i've ever tasted.' well, sometimes it's 'the worst _____ i've ever tasted,' true, but it's mostly the best.

my dad's certainly not a stoner, he's the exact opposite of a stoner. he just talks about food as though he were stoned. which is funny, in an ironic sense?

i got more drama than yo mama

this whole grad school, herniated disc, back surgery, wedding thing has been more drama than a soap opera. i'm in dire need of a turn of good luck.

i've been thinking about p lately, missing him. it was this time a year ago that i last spent time with him. i feel discouraged because i haven't met any guy that i've felt even remotely attracted to since him. my physical attraction would be described as blissful. simply, a happiness. a sense that i can't ever get close enough to him. i feel as though he is like rock, petros, and i am sponging onto him.

i am horrified and sometimes disgusted by the idea of becoming a parent, the ultimate turn-off. something about p made parenthood with him almost semi-plausible. there's that something in his eye...

then there's that thought that i could be building this all up in my imagination, and given the chance to reunite with p he might not be as awe-inspiring as i'm currently perceiving him. he had his lameness on display from time to time when we hung a year ago. 

is the characterization... more amusing?

swing batta' batta'

i have needed to figure out what i want in the professional, spiritual, personal and emotional realm, and i've spent the last few years doing so. i was standing out in the park thinking about how i've come to this point where i've been doing my studying -- now it's time to go on the record with my official answer. 

what are my career, belief system, ego-fulfilling and romantic priorities? i wondered if i'll be ready to try dating again after i return from my travels this month. the little why not voice in my mind asked in an excited gasp 'am i ready?!' would i allow it to be an option?

the career thing is hanging there, ready to find its landing spot. i feel like i'm looking for my best work option, but feel like i'm not seeing anything. i'm hoping my doubts will be resolved by a great opportunity coming out of the blue, landing right in my lap. 

in the chorus of my profession: network!

ugh... i'm over this already. anyways, go ahead career life, give it to me straight...