skateboard philosopher

we met today. you had 2 dark beers, i had a shaken lime margarita and a pino grigio. jesus, why didn't i just order a cosmopolitan and a sex on the beach? my drink choices couldn't have been lamer.

you said your form of daily exercise is skate boarding from transit to school. you're multi-focused like i am (well, i'm more like generally unfocused, same thing). we're examining life, which i think is a fine qualification for philosophising. that plus the boarding equal the skateboard philosopher. like an intellectual super hero.

well that's not a bad thing to be.

a pretty west coast thing for certain.

attracted to intimidation

i feel like a sell-out poseur compared to you. i think of myself as a creative and a humanitarian, but i generally do neither, whereas you're doing both, pretty much on your own terms. you have your shit together in a way that i really envy, that i feel i'm racing after more every day.

i'm racing to get somewhere, and i guess you looked like an interesting route to take.

new guy

i finally bowed to the common knowledge that your situation isn't going to change unless you change your behavior. i decided to available-ize myself to the meat scene, and a new person has caught my attention.

unrelated to any interaction we've had, i was out in the park, stretching behind the bench, using the back for balance. i stood in a straddle stretch, then bent over the bench back, releasing my lower back muscles, letting my vertebrae pop out. that in itself is a great feeling, but i thought of new prospect j, who i find attractive, asking me if i like it from behind. i would quietly rasp 'any word of affirmation would be the greatest understatement of all time,' completely in control. 

hm, i don't think i have power fantasies very often, but i'm liking the change of scenery.

their fo

isn't orgasm like a burp? i just had a really satisfying, extended burp, but as quite a surprise. the release of air while burping mimicked the release of blood during an orgasm. maybe that's why guys like burping so much, it's like their female orgasm.

maybe that's what intuitives do, we can see in the dark

as i was walking home from the park, i noticed the different styles of houses in the dark. some that were generic and dark, that look like life-filler -- those parameters, boundaries, limits we set where things exist or don't. it's like we line our lives with a tactile quality, the limit to how we can understand things in a physical realm. where we say 'the coffee table is large and made of wood, and that's all i need to know about it,' that far.

so i walk up the street that is lined with the facades of houses and front yards. some are completely dark, some have interior lights. then i began to think about the intention of using light as some sort of deterrent of bad energy. the house across the street was flipped a year about and has been on the market since; the reality company keeps all of it's decorative exterior lights all the time. showing the exterior of the house in lights.

i wondered why someone would do that. quite a time ago it was safe to sleep at night, whether in a home, shelter, out in the open -- life was safe. but when you get too many people in a small space, there's going to be friction. so we as people created various defenses, light being a popular one. i thought about what light does -- makes it easy for a witness to see what a criminal is doing to property and identify a suspect, but even that's quite a stretch. criminals tend to go in the shadows.

then the idea of light in a spiritual manner came to me. there are quite a few people who believe in god as the light, right? maybe they're keeping god around them for safety. they feel safer in the light, because they can only see in the light, and they are uncomfortable not seeing in the dark.

maybe that's what intuitives can do, see in the dark. maybe most people could see in the dark, if they really wanted to. but people don't want to look there because some not great stuff is out there in the darkness. it sounds like the ritual i've had of entering my front door, feeling as though dodgy things are approaching me from the back. i walk through the gate and turn around to close it, thinking 'no, you cannot come in here,' and upon entering my front door, i image it closing on all the things that are not good for me, that i really don't need to deal with. those things will sort themselves out.

but sometimes i do think i can see in the dark. i don't know why i have such a high spook factor, i don't know why i still fear these things. i only allow passive energies to come through

/ /

hiding under something as a female child, looking up as those there are wood slats, and a light yellow, loosely knitted table cloth. the hiding feels more curious than fearful. it's like this scene from a past life played in my mind, like a memory. i'm playfully hiding in a cabinet with a dishtowel hanging over the door, peeking out. it looks like the incarnation of this memory is a blond girl, swedish, maybe swiss. it feels like a pleasant memory.

my religion

i was sitting out on the park bench, feeling especially paranoid this evening. i imagined a cop pulling up, getting out of the car and walking directly towards me. i'm standing, and he says, 'how are you tonight?' i tell him, 'just meditating very deeply.' something to do with the second level, or rising to be on a higher plane. sorry officer, but my connection to the sentient universe is away at the moment, please leave a message after the beep.

the i heard that persistent voice return, the one that always shows up first, nagging me to eat my vegetables and find a job. it's telling me, 'but this is your daily meditation.' i have a ritual and i feel that it connects me to what i value, what i praise. after dark i sit on the same park bench, facing approximately sw. i sit under the lamp light, looking at the sky, the clouds, the stars or the moon, whoever feels like showing up. i noticed the running track looked like a religious oval. it sort of is. i sit on an alter and praise a symbol -- that must make this a religion. 

i am rather pious in my devotion. i say my prayers every night before i sleep. 

it would be so easy writing scripts for kids cartoon shows high

being stoned lets you drag out each and every intention, emphasize every dramatic inclination. kids love things for exactly what they are, they love things that lack a context. that's what's different for adults, older individuals who've learned the routine and lost all contact with the universal; context is everything.

root finding

the more i try to understand it, the further it away it gets. when i was a kid, that was a great reality to live in (visually or creatively) but i hated being a kid in all of that, i wanted to grasp all that with the power and knowledge of an adult. the more i tried to work, study, and practice that awareness, to make some sense of it, it just slipped away. now all i do is spend my time trying to find that natural awe in life. the more i do so, though, the thinner the connection.

smoking weed brings me back to my roots. i can see v looking at me with a doubtful nod, finding me an ungrateful hypocrite, 'and you thought i was the poseur?' yes, i do think so, because i mean back to my roots as in how i visually saw and physically felt the world when i was a kid. i can look at natural things and watch them show me things, tell me things, explain energy, when i smoke weed as an adult. i no longer see those things as an unstoned adult. 

this is why we, as humans, love buttered toast

something about an epic standardization of information. something grand, like the ushering in of a new era. the world needs to collectively get on the same page.

hey world, did you hear that? let's all get on the same page.

let's all get back to our roots. that's what i was doing in the kitchen.

waiting for my toast, thinking about the different between my chemically-toxic margarine spread and real, old-fashioned butter. margarine users were uppity in the begging of its existence, 'you're going to clog up your arteries with all the butter!' now butter users can all 'who cares about clog arteries when margarine's going to give you cancer?!'

but back to the butter. salted, the fat of cow's milk. pretty basic. wheat to make bread, flour, salt and yeast. grain, salt and fat -- straight from the earth, these things nourish us. toasting the bread over heat makes the butter melt and resolves the dichotomy of yin and yang.

toast is a great metaphor for balance, if you think about it.

intelligence // disrespected // relationships

it's like the universe is offering to trade me something to get p back, in the more mature state i wish him to be in. the universe wants a religious promise. 

i gotta pick one. if i actually want to be with p in the state i wish him to be, maybe i owe the universe a simplification of my spiritual beliefs? loose touch with my intuition because i will need a prescribed ideology to base my life -- for p, that is. if i want it to be p and me, the trade off might be shutting out my intuition.

uh, god that would suck. well no, p didn't have a negative reaction to his own intuitive thoughts. so maybe the impression i'm getting is more of the universe taking away my intuitive ear if i want to be with p. that's a strange and undesirable outcome.

maybe i'm maxing out my toking. i do hear critical thoughts when i smoke, but i usually catch and remind myself that i don't need to listen to nonconstructive criticism.

so whatever the reason, i guessing i'm thinking that if were to be with p in a manner of my choosing, i might need to ascribe to some of his chrisitian-like values. he's a mennonite for hell's sake.

god i miss his face. now i'm getting the impression that he'll be the cliche 40-something who's hard partying past catches up to him in some sort of serious medical condition. heart disease or something. if he's able to carry out a successful career, which may happen when he decides to really grow up, and i get the sense he'll be pleased with his success. but a health issue is gonna take him for a spin. that looks like his forecast.

if i impose myself on that, where he's the relationship i want and need, i may need to sacrifice -- move to his rinky-dink town. but the sensation of coming home from a stressful day, lying with him in bed, my head on his chest, whispering 'baby i love you,' it sense really lazy warm chills through the back of my knees.

i had a coffee date with 'ski over the dinner hour yesterday. it was really great, now that i reflect on it. we met in a part of town neither of us lives in, got coffee, and then he walked us over to a park that had a pond, or as he called it a lake. now that i re-call what i wrote in my profile, 'i like checking out new parts of the city, getting coffee, and going for a stroll.' we did all three. this guy actually listened. 

it has me thinking that his explicit intelligence played an important part in our date -- he was a smart listener. i know i have joked about loving cute but dumb guys... but 'ski just slammed them all to shame. [i'm so impressed -- but at the same time thinking 'don't act like this is the best thing ever. sure i've dealt with aloof dumb dumbs, but i should be better at realizing who the smart listener guys are by now. maybe this should be the baseline.' maybe i've been allowing myself to be rather disrespected in prior relationships and maybe this is the time to increase the quality of who i choose to spend my time with.] 

well, that's quite a sell there, universe. even if it's not an intentional sell, my guiding voice is pointing out quite clearly that there *are* different options around me, and to be open to where these new paths lead. i was also impressed with how he gently waved his had over the occasional bug on my arm or shoulder, instead of an aggressive swipe. a mature wave, from a young guy. that another difference i find rather promising. rather odd now, i just did spell check, and three words in the paragraph are highlights as incorrectly spelled: intelligence, disrespected, and relationships. but all are spelled correctly as is. the conjunctions i'm and two i've(s) are highlights because they're not capitalized, which is correct. but i was a bit puzzled as to why... but why couldn't this be the universe or any of my guides pointing out two very important things: intelligence is a very important quality i need in a mate, and i haven't been listening to or validating that necessarily (spending my time and energy on academically intelligent guys doesn't automatically make them socially or emotionally intelligent, and the ever present need to consider my opinions and feelings. as i've been told, stop worrying about what he thinks -- what do i think about this situation? i'm recognizing my need of an intelligent mate, and i'm owning up to allowing guys from my past to disrespect. 

this is rather mayjah.

so i can look at my two options as retaining and growing my intuitive abilities throughout my life, without p, or i can kill the intuitive abilities but i get my perfect p, our time filling with resting my head on his chest and whispering 'baby i love you.'

for better or worse, this is still not a clear choice for me.

also, trees are important to the human condition.