feeling industrious

the last few years of my life have been rough -- a generous portion of all things shitty for quite a while. somehow a conglomerate of emotional, physical, academic and professional pains were all absolved in a short period of time, leaving me embarrassingly blissful. everything used to be complicated, and now everything is simple.

with so much clarity in my life, there's no ambiguity to provoke me. nothing gets me riled up to the point of needing an outlet and release from a certain stress. sometimes i have more opinions that i can keep track of. i form opinions mostly in direct relation to experience. when i'm in a situation of continually new sensations, experiences and thus opinions, the voice i write from goes on and on and on. it's like when i'm in a phase of reading novels, i start to think in a narrative, i narrate my own my own actions, thoughts, and even narrations. (how meta.) when i'm dealing with any variation of adversity, inspiration abounds.

in this new phase of clarity, the lack of conflict, resistance, and novelty lets the flurry of inspiration settle to the very bottom of the tank. the inspiration can sit at the bottom for a while -- it's so out of sight that it drifts out of mind. which is why it's essential i keep practicing listening for that subtle voice, finding opinions in contemplation instead of reaction.

so what if there's nothing before me to examine anymore? if i can stop fretting over the tangible, material and social sticking points, maybe i can look inside myself and take stock of what i'm really working with.

i've weathered a pretty lengthy, nasty storm and i can allow myself a time of rest and regeneration. i'm starting a new chapter and i'm feeling industrious.

some constructive self-criticism

i think i'm observant but that's not always true -- i didn't notice that my roommate puts my mail on the coffee table. she has a plan or intention i was unaware of. i tend to be rather convinced of (some of) my own assumptions.

i need to keep in mind that just because i think i know something doesn't actually i really do. not an incredibly profound or original philosophy, but a pretty important one.

one down...?

at this point in my life, there are three main questions i've been working to answer:

1. where do i want to live my life?

2. how do i want to spend my time, both professional and leisure?

3. who do i want to spend my time with?

with my recent move, i think i've found where i want to be. i think i've found my dream location, maybe even my perfect living situation. if this is contentment, then that's good enough for me.

number one, 'where do i want to live my life?' answer: right where i already am. check.

number two, 'how do i want to spend my time...' answer: i am generally enjoying how i spend my time currently, although there's plenty of room for additions and various spicing-up. pending.

number three, 'who do i want to spend my time with?' answer: slowly but surely i'll shed those unnecessary to make room for those of value. pending.

i'm sitting here thinking about how i'm addressing what seems to be such basic elements to life's foundation as though they were complex insights. maybe some people are good at details, those finite things. i could sit and pick at the subtlest characteristics, but be shattered by the overwhelming enormity of broad concepts. that wide openness filled with infinite options just kills me sometimes.