when you're stoned,

everything in life is a repeat - everything is familiar and comfortable - being stoned is like "going home" for me. i've been so uncomfortable for so long.

chocolate.

some people really do have chocolate addictions in this incarnation because they've lived on it before, in a beautiful time. it's a sentimentality, a soother. people who don't absolutely love chocolate just haven't really tasted it yet. it's one of those things. what's chocolaty is ephemeral. hm did that make sense?

what i had in amy, we were on the same path when we were very young, but she shut down and turned that connection off. i felt like i haven't really known her since then, even though she insists we've always been "best friends." it's a lot of ego and saving face on her side of things - i know she's failed a step, but she doesn't want anyone else below her seeing that. it's like she's trying to cling onto my success, which bothers me because i resent her for trying to hold onto me to use as "proof" of her progression, when i know what she has not accomplished. she doesn't really get me at all, she looks at our relationship from limited dimensions, she can't see the bigger picture. it's like i'm floating in the universe, and i have ropes hanging from my waist. some of my life-long friends are hanging below me at different lengths of ropes -- but then some of my other friends are pulling me up by my rope, some are closer to me and others further away. we are all here to help others on their progression, or to have others help in our progression. we're all in this together, just at different places in the journey. my dad's right, people do play games, but that's exactly what we're here to do -- he's just a big spoil sport because he thinks he's better than he really is, he's the over-confident one getting cut down to size. yep, that's my dad.

i love cheap chocolate, but i feel like i should be eating something creamier. i already had dinner, but i feel like a bowl of cereal would do me good, but i know that's a bad idea.

amy, my dad... it's just like i'm reading little spy memos about my opponents. they're like brief magazine profiles. i can see how people want to be film makers -- they just want to replicate what they see in their minds when they're connecting with a higher energy. storytellers are great. we're leaders, we've excepted the increase of responsibility for the greater choice in reward. i might get something pretty good, if i keep working. i feel like i'm getting that ache that athletes feel in the middle of the end event. have to give another good push. ew, i hate the labor metaphor.

i might have been in vienna before this lifetime, i might have been there during one of it's great eras, i see myself as a young man. maybe i just visited there, but anyways i went in with a good impression. always have loved vienna.

chocolate is funny: "looks awful, tastes great!" god is a comedian, that's for sure. humor brings us closer to god -- that's why you have to find the humor in religion. religious practice is HILARIOUS! that's why there's no peace in the world, we as a planet have not embraced what's funny about life. we think love is the meaning of life, but love is funny, and thus it's really humor that's the point.

i've probably met santa claus before, he's really a swede or something. the king gnome, really. why did i call santa out as an illusion so early? i feel like i was really obnoxious as a kid. but anyways, santa's red robe is made out of beautiful red velvet, and he's probably not as old as we make him out to be. i mean, back in the day "really old" was like being 40. santa could be a george clooney type, if you wanted to go there.

since the new year rapidly approaches, what shall i pursue.

in my ego drive, i want to finish up the current chapter of my life, and start up a new one. this current chapter is reeeeeaaaaal boring, and i'm dying for adventure, a faster paced journey, more advanced challenges, maybe in more physical settings. i'm feeling stronger, and i want to experience that as a manifestation. i need a real man, finally. i think i'm beyond the male adulescent. we've managed to slow everything down so that each step is excruciating and takes forever to complete. 

my new year's resolution is to MOVE ON. i know where i'd like to go, and what i'd like to do. it's completely out of line for whatever i've been working towards in the last few years -- i worked so hard to get to this point, so that i can turn around and say "nah!"? i want to do the dumping this time, i want to be the one who walks away and never turns back. it's my turn. you've been good to me, current profession, and now i'm going to walk away and leave you with nothing for all your efforts.

can't i be the asshole for once in my life?

gregory

they're telling me his name is gregory.

i went somewhere recently and met someone. under very odd circumstances. i went to cuba and fell in lust with my tour guide.

it's the best dramatic spectacle yet. i was in my room one morning before my first tour, and the guide called up to my room to make sure i was coming (heh heh). i said i was and that i was sorry i was late! he said just to come down to the lobby and i would find him in a blue jacket.

i rushed down stairs, it was about 8am. i was walking into the lobby when i saw you. you had your back turned to me, in your bright blue sporty jacket. the rays from the rising sun were golden orange and beaming intensely in through the lobby doors. as i approach you turned towards me, your eyes were glowing like pools of soft gold. my heart clenched tightly and then sunk through my torso as my pussy burst into flames.

pretty impressive.

it's sort of like having anxiety about finding exactly what you want. as soon as i saw him, i thought 'i cannot handle this! i have to get away!' because i was so scared of the raw energy and draw i felt. like he could have infinite erotic control over me forever. i've felt quite attracted to other guys in the past, but this is like a seismic exponential. i'm sure i must have had a little death in me the moment i saw him.

that's not love at first sight, that's lust at the first sight. love and lust at first sight are very scaled, meaning there is a broad spectrum, and i really must have hit an 11 with this guy, who they're saying is named gregory.

as i said, he was my tour guide, for a 2 day tour into the center of cuba. and sexy as hell. flirtatious as hell. made me horny as hell.

his name sounded like yuri. i looked it up after i got back, and it's a very uncommon japanese girl's name. i thought it was probably a nickname of something else, and now that i'm stoned, when i inquire about this cuban guy yuri i keep getting the name gregory. in spanish it's gregorio, and since cuban spanish is so thick and vague that it could be abbreviated to just yuri.

that's quite interesting. so when i inquire as to what yuri thought when he first met me, i get this sort of clip of a movie. we're in a hotel room, he's leaned back against the bed's headboard, and i'm riding him. i've got my hands pressed up against the wall, and he's using his hands to grind me down on his dick, and making me bounce. it's one hell of a scene. so when i ask what that has to do with what he's thinking, it's as if that scene was his first thought of me.

sounds like a mutual attraction! the message is 'yea, he was into you, too.' but he was of course working the whole time as well and needed to even his time out. he's a bit older than i think he is. i think he's 32 but he's more in the 35-7 range. he is a good guy and is funny and sociable, but is clearly a little on the insecure side as displayed by his materialism. he just wants to put a good foot forward and to make the right impression from the start. what a great smile he has.

yea he was into me. he liked that i made eye contact with him as he stood in the van and told us information about cuba. he liked the tip, thought it was fair enough. he was secretly pleased that i had left a valuable item on his bus at the end, so that he could see me again. although he was indeed worried that he might not get it back to me. so sort of annoying, but if it was anyone he was glad it was me. aw.

when he saw me two days later, we were both dressed up for a show, he thought i looked pretty, but was distracted by his group. he tries to do a good job, he's a people pleaser. he thought my cheeks were soft, and my hands as well. i liked the roughness of his cheeks and the ever slightest shining glow on him. he likes my softness. we're a good blend of traditional roles. 

it's a good lesson for me, as i need to clearly define what it is i'm looking for in a man, if in fact i am looking. so i had a few month crush on c, but he's pretty much a weenie compared to this yuri, this gregory. i need to stop pursing weenie guys, because that's what i'm trying to make myself want, instead of listening to what i actually want. my ego can't decide this one, even though it's putting up a hell of a fight to do so.

p

let me orate (talk?) about p for a while. not pee, as in urine, but p, as in the guy i had the strongest sexual attraction to so far in my life. p, who used to live here, p who does not live here anymore.

i don't know how to better explain than i simply felt amazing just experience his existence along with me. it was just a joy to meet up for him for a while. like that best buddy you had in grade school, the one you sat next to in class and laughed at the same things. buddies that would lend each other things and take care of each other. looked out for one another, a good team. but in this life, in this incarnation, p and i really have little in common -- little in the sense of lifestyle choices, how we prefer to conduct ourselves as adults in public. he's a rural kind of guy and i'm an urban kind of gal. but still, we just click as if we've been doing the same routine for a while now.

i remember when i first met him, very clearly. when he walked in the door i immediately noticed his build, as he's tall, and when i first looked into his eyes, something in my intuition jumped. it popped up and cried "YOUUUUUU!" in a funny voice, as if i recognized him and knew he was important to the plot (the plot = my life). i'm not saying i thought i met the love of my life or anything, it was much more of a signal of recognition. i knew p from the moment i saw him (well, i probably knew him much earlier from a previous life).

i just loved being around him, i never got sick of it. he got sick of me smoking his weed from time to time. but he felt happy vibes from just hanging around me too, i know that. just watching sports on tv, not stoned, me asking him questions and he telling me all sorts of things. how many of which i ever cared about to remember, i don't know, but i just loved that time.

he's not much of a talker, except when he gets really excited about something. simply being around him and not talking, felt really nice. 

that's how i feel about p.

i feel...

here's where i'm supposed to let my fingers do the talking. i should listen to what my fingers type. i had a reading with my better-of-the-bunch from a group of psychic mediums. see, i'm a stoner, but i'm also a medium. i'm a messenger of information between human and spirit worlds. the spirits are observing the humans and are subliminally helping guide the direction of the person's life, as per the things they need to learn. but despite the lesson needing to be learned, we each choose our own "scenarios." it's all so dramatic!

i wish my landlords upstairs wouldn't walk around so loudly. kids are horrible things, and they are too loud.

ear plugs are great. so is weed.

fingers, start talking. wait, i need to know if it's diluted or extra diluted juice i'm drinking. ok, i dilute the juice as it's like, a concentrate. i can't imagine ever drinking that juice straight from the bottle.

i feel...

i feel there is great injustice in the world. i am sensitive to unfairness. it drives me crazy.

i feel pretty bored with life. like, i'm trying to come onto c long-distance several years after the fact. is that scraping the bottom of the barrel? maybe. it's like this phase or chapter of my life is is ending so slowly, like watching bubbles slowly dissolve in a sink. really slow. but every last bit needs to drip out before the next *epoch* may commence. i think this is ending the 2nd movement. you know, in classical music there are 4 movements in a symphony (or something). the first introduces the themes, the second reinterprets those themes in a melancholy or menacing way, the third movement takes the themes to a manic edge, and the fourth movement is just a big recap, and loud. so the sad part of my life is ending.

that's quite nice.

the next coming movement will be high energy, lots of activity. 

but i need to ask myself how i feel, that's what i've been instructed to do. i need to know and handle myself better before i can go on to effectively help others but acting as a medium between individuals and their spirits or helper guides.

so, in this life, there's this dual, polarizing energy that draws people to opposites, it separates things that make a whole, and being apart (unwhole) is really a big problem. in our existence now, there are so many polarizing things, that it seems impossible that everything could ever be balanced. the secret or trick is, each person just needs to learn how to balance it for themselves. they need to act and be in their current life, and they need to figure out how to balance and how to create harmony in the world. if you as a person are in harmony with the things you should be tuned to, then you're creating balancing energy for the world. contributing to the greater good. the better and healthier you are, the better you are for everyone else. so if you're running around doing things you think you should be doing "to be a good person" but you find those things really unpleasant and don't feel completely sincere or committed to it, then you're really not doing that much good. you're taking 10 steps forward, but 8 steps back. it's like i'm trying to just carry everyone and everything with me. i don't need to carry everyone up with me, lots are dead weight for the quest, and a precise team with a goal will get the results faster.

hm, how interesting.

ok, so that's enough generalities. it's like i'm in "psychic messenger school" and this is the overall introduction, good information but sort of generalized to the point that it gets dry.

yet being stoned is so not boring at all.

i'm eating baby spinach with a little grated mozzarella and sliced almonds. really, i'm just shoving spinach leaves into my face and chewing. i do need to eat better, i have crazy-ass sugar crashes in the afternoons, like when i was a kid, and it's making me grumpy. it's funny what society considers a "drug." how is sugar not a drug? it *does* affect your psychology, like alcohol or other substances. yet it's legal. but man, sugar as a child is like eating magic. by the time people become adults they're such habitual users that they don't feel anything, yet always need it and don't even realize how much they're consuming. really, we should be eating plants. meat once in a while, bread once in a while, dairy once in a while. but we're meant to eat vegetables and other earth products. these weird mutant genetically-modified corn sugars are the enemy. terrorists aren't the enemy, it's the sugar! we're all cracked out on sugar and acting like assholes, so that's bothering other people in the world. but the only people who care about being bothered are the other assholes. it's a pretty even match. this is a great time to be alive, though, it's so exciting. 

the 80's and 90's were pretty damn lame.

i feel like i don't want to talk about my feelings because they aren't pretty. i'll keep on with the raw food and eat a banana now.

i just feel so frustrated, i feel like i'm just not making much progress. i feel like sometimes i work really hard to make progress, but don't, so that i stop caring and don't work hard. it's so hard to work without seeing progress or results. while i'm in a situation, doing "work," i feel as though i'm working blind, as i have no idea if what i'm doing with my life at that time is right or not. then i just find out later that i either passed or failed. i feel like my failures are much more visible than my achievements. i feel like i'm a failure because i'm so generally liked and "popular" but i have very few real friends. i don't feel like i'm being insincere to them, i feel like maybe they are insincere to me.

i'm really mourning the death of my social life, which has been over the last few years. i miss my friends, but at the same time don't really know who my good friends are. that's why i feel so lonely. maybe that's why i want a romantic relationship so bad, that romance would provide attention at the intensity of several smaller things together, that that would fill that void.

good advice

so let's think about my past lives as a native american. maybe i'm looking at a sort of map of america, but i can only see it via where these past lives have been. it really looks like i've had many lives across the west half of the united states, along the coast and along the mountains. the size of the dot on the map, the bigger the dot meant the longer the life had at that time, the smaller dots are when i died younger. looks like 14 major lives, and 9 minor lives. just in north america? crazy. that's why everything feels so familiar all the time. i'm bored because i've done this many times and i know how the story goes. people who are way more excited about life have had fewer past life experiences, so things are still novel to them.

i guess my soul has gone through more lives, which means i know more than most people, but i don't necessarily know everything, either. i'm doing well, but the further along you go, the harder it gets. that's the point, the harder the issues you're working on, the further along you are. we're all in positions to handle the major themes we encounter in each incarnation. if we work on it, we can learn the lesson and keep going. sometimes people do fail, and have to keep learning -- they scare the rest of us. but people who don't experience anything "majorly" difficult in their lives are meant to have that, they're not prepared yet for more "advanced study." some people really do "have it all" for really no good reason. not lucky, just random. not that anything's random, just that you fall off the track and tumble through oblivion.

i'm remembering evenings in my backyard in the summer as a small child. it's like i'm there again. the sun's gone over the roof, my grandma's telling us what to build in the sand castle. the air is still warm but the sand has gone cold in the shadow. just sheer existence in the moment. home is so lush in a wet summer. maybe i did have good childhood memories, but that the pain of my preteen years hid them. i dunno.

the steady drip from the rain pipe is beating outside my window. it sounds like a call from the universe itself. it's memerizing. it sounds like the beat at a gathering, like a march. just a constant 1 2 3 4 1 2 3 4.

let's talk about my love life. been slow lately, huh? my job, the needs of the people i deal with, really stress me out, and it gives me anxiety to think that some day, if i get involved in a relationship, that that person's quirks and needs are going to drive me totally insane. maybe consciously i want a relationship so bad, but subconsciously i'm so scared of getting involved with someone, and him turning out to not be the one for me, so then i'd have to start over, again?! it's like i'm just waiting for my one guy, and can't be bothered to look at the rest. my sexuality is much better expressed in a familiar situation than a random one. i need time to learn how to read someone's mind.

what is c thinking about me now? i can see him with a big smile on his face, he's pleased. with? he's pleased i told him how i feel. this girl he's with (or who he thinks he's with) looks like a lightning bolt or something -- is she going to "burn" him? is it his turn to feel the pain of getting totally crushed? i already experienced that, and c knows about it. w rubbed my face against a grater, it was gross. i had a hard time recovering from that. maybe c needs to experience that as well, so that he can appreciate me in the way that i only came to appreciate c after w grated me. maybe c is taking me for granted in the way i took him for granted when we first met. that doesn't meant i should wait around while c gets burned by this girl he likes who isn't me. i should still go out and do my own thing and not wait. why not keep going.

haha, no one likes c! why is that? it's like c is a particular flavor of guy, and maybe a different flavor would suit me better. so it's not about finding a really "better" guy as just finding a guy i'm a good fit with. oh, that's quite good advice. i mean, if i want to have the c flavor, then ok, but i don't have to think that's my only option. definitely good advice. 

in our nature

so i'm not going to go on that little road trip i had been planning in my mind. i think that's my calming escape, planning travel. it's something i feel i can control. travel makes me feel like i'm in control. i make the choices. i play god of my own universe. but i have a hard time enjoying what i have. i have a hard time being in the present, if it isn't exactly as i want it to be. i hardly ever feel that i'm in a moment i want, i always feel like it could be so much better. i'm always in a state of disappointment.

but now i'm stoned, and i love everything. but instead of feeling high, i just feel like i did when i was a kid. everything feels good and new again. it's like i've forgotten what everything feels like. i became so disconnected as i became a teenager that i forgot what everything felt like. i'm feeling the joy in things. children are so connected to that joy, and that's why "normal" people like to be around children, because children bring about that feeling of joy in them. i have such a poor connection to that joy, that being around children irritates instead of soothes me. most people do get frazzled by kids sometimes, but otherwise they find children soothing, because they can share a sort of peace with the child. i have a really opposite reaction to that, children cause me a lot of anxiety.

to me, children or any aspect thereof = fear and anxiety.

that may change in the future, may not, it depends what i want to do about that if it comes up. i know it's going to come up if i get into a serious relationship, so it's like i'm blocking relationships right now because i can't handle the baby-issue factor.

i'm listening to jose gonzalez, his voice is to wonderfully icy.

you've got a heart on fire

it's rushing with desires

you've got a heart filled with passion

will you let it burn for hate or compassion

you're killing for love

great song.

i'll just act as though i'm writing myself a letter

hey me, it's myself. how's it going? remember those horrible messages you sent yourself into the future from like 2006? man that was a bad year, that 2006.

i've been writing long stoner emails to c lately, but he's clinging onto that chinese chick, who i don't think feels for him what he feels for her. but he needs to figure some things out for himself. and i should hope to get someone sexier.

i end up writing about myself in these emails, because i guess that's what i'm thinking about. i'm pretty confused as to what to do next april or may with my time. my stupid brother's wedding is in the middle of june on the other side of the country, making me push back any major plans until after that, and maybe something minor for the time before the wedding, after i finish school.

man this apple i'm eating is mushy. gross. so i email c often because i want the attention, and i like him, and i'm amused by the things he says, but i just wish he would keep going and say much more than he does now. i can see him as a lifelong partner, but he's hung up on this chinese chick, and i have to feel the rejection from him that originally put on him after we first met. i've hurt him, so now i need to feel that in return before anything else can happen. a balance needs to be met. but that may never ultimately pan out because better or just different offers are likely come into play in the mean time. who knows.

i was having a dream the other night in which i was entering a house, but i couldn't get the front door to close or lock. no matter what i did to keep the door shut, it just didn't work. but i have no idea what was outside that i was trying to prevent from entering. it was like nothing was there.

i was supposed to call a friend the other evening, but i got stuck at school and forgot. i mean, how can i bemoan all my distance friendships when i'm not that good at being a friend either? it was pretty harsh when i told c that i want to go to india, and he wrote back "that's great! you should go make some new friends there!" but i read it as "you'll just have to make new friends because no one would want to go with you." why does he bug me so much when i'm sober? i'm all "friendship and love" about him when i'm stoned, but sober i just think we don't necessarily share the same values. he's so amusing, but so impossible to get any answers from. i'm still trying to figure out that missing piece, that wild card aspect of him, and i really don't know if that outstanding factor is a good thing, or not. like, he's way funnier than i am, so he's way more depressed than i am?

and why doesn't v check up on me anymore. i can't bear to break into his facebook again and read his messages. he's so fucking stupid. he has no photos of himself, no information, not even a wall to "protect his personal information" when i'm breaking into his account and reading everything! he's so stupid. when i think about v stoned, i can see us walking down the street at night, he's got his hood up and isn't saying anything, sort of keeping his face in the shadows. yes, that's it, he's hanging out in the shadows, not saying anything to me, but waiting for me to say something. of course his interest is still there, he never loses interest and has said that. it's pretty obvious that he can juggle a lot at once, plenty of women at once, although he rotates the intense attention bouts. he's still waiting for me to write a book, like down the road.

is n gay? hmmm it looks grey, maybe he's an asexual? hahahaha oh my god, or extremely afraid of sex. something like that, maybe not gay, but just not anything.

when will my reader email me the outline of our last chat? her information is so extremely 50/50. some things, she's spot on, some things couldn't be wackier. i have to take it with a grain of salt, and listen to the things that sound familiar. pay attention to the really odd things, but don't take them to heart if they feel wrong. she's giving you option on things you decided on (against) a while ago. she's said i'll end up in montreal twice now, but that just seems completely insane and not my desire at all. i've lived places where i've learned the language as i wanted and participated as such. but i've lived places where i don't speak the language, and frankly don't want to. now that i'm experiencing that phenomenon at the community i work in, i can't image going some place i don't want to learn the language, like french or cantonese.

she said the economy is going to slow things down, worse, for a while, before it picks up again. you don't have to be a medium to figure that out, ha ha.

so another recurring message from the information stream via my reader, is that i need a supportive network. sitting here and thinking about that, i don't even know how that would work out. i would feel so suffocated if i had to deal with the same people all the time. i'd be so uncomfortable if anyone really got to know me, for more than a year at a time. i don't know if i could tolerate that. i'm so disconnected from the people in my life, because everything is so short term, that no one's really keeping tabs on me and helping me correct my mistakes. 

finally, a place i can relax

see, i have this other blog. a blog where i used to write things i actually thought. a place where i could let it all hang out. when i started my life was segmented, disconnected. part 76 of my life was detached from part 44 and part 183. i could be frank and bitchy because no one outside of me could put all the pieces together. after a while, an admirer emerged and put the thought into my head that i'm a good writer and that people like to read what i have to say.

once i knew i had an audience, i knew i was fucked. but thanks to someone else's projections (he projected many things on me, most of which i adopted myself) i got the idea to start a storytelling blog, which lead to blog dos. admittedly, blog dos has been a success for many reasons -- i can be really entertaining if the inspiration strikes. that sort of show takes lots of energy, and sometimes i just don't have that energy.

i then find myself sitting down to blog, trying to think of some entertaining story to tell. due to a core audience, i know how my blogging is tailored -- can't expose too much anymore, it cannot be as raw, and of course not incriminating. so even though entertaining is a form of expression, i need writing to meet my expressive needs. i have to express what i know, and i can't accept any inhibitions.