not having any of that

i've never once dreamt of flying. if anything, my dreams tend to be anxious -- rushing, catching up, even swimming uphill. it's like my subconscious is always set against the countdown clock.

most recently i dreamt of rushing to hide my stash and any other remnants of my weed addiction from my dad. the dream seemed like an endless sequence:

i'm in my old bedroom smoking weed when i can hear my dad descending the unforgiving staircase, slow but loud. i swipe all paraphernalia into a desk drawer with one arm, while reaching for the window with the other. he knocks or says my name outside my door as i'm trying to fan out the unforgiving scent of weed.

i'm walking down the street of my current neighborhood when i see my dad approaching from the distance. i need to hid my baggy stash quick -- in the postbox? between a sandwich sign? at the base of a planter?

i'm a kid at school and my dad's dropping off the packed lunch i forgot to take with me when i left the house that morning -- and i need to find some place to put my still-lit joint that won't break out in a fire.

the recurring theme of 'dad catching me smoking dope' is not incredibly difficult to interpret; i probably feel some subconscious guilt about my weed habit, and my dreams are using the scariest character in my life just to freak me out. it may be freudian psychology, but it's certainly not rocket science.

if that weren't sleeptime torture enough, there was a surprise blockade at every turn -- voldemort. two seconds away from my dad catching me red-handed and v steps in trying to act like our encounter is by chance. v's really picking the worst time to try re-initiating a connection; the good news is that in my dream i'm not having any of that.

i'm pretty sure i can say i wouldn't be having any of that in waking life, too. pretty sure.

familiar / foreign

the key to remembering which one is the pantheon and which one is the parthenon is that pantheon, broken down, means pan - all, theon-religions -- the pantheon is the home of all religions.

* * *

walking the forum is walking the ruts of ancient traffic - a core of history, a vortex of energy, a keystone of my structured world. it's not the cradle of humanity, but of civility. ancient rome planted the seeds of my current expectations. but being in the forum doesn't simply sink you with its gravitas of extensive timeline of historic societal activity. you lounge on forum rubble like everyone else, like it seems to have been done always. thinking about being in the forum creates a context for home, making home incredibly distant. home has nothing to show for any resident ancient civilization. does that make home historically irrelevant? maybe it just means my home's ancient population, civilized and resident or not, practiced living in harmony with its surroundings, not manipulating the terra for the sake of ego. ego, because what else makes man want to strive for grandiose feats?

* * *

sometimes grandiose things are created in small spaces. just because it isn't a large building with a marble facade doesn't mean it won't change the world. in the theme of european architecture, take for example the german wartburg castle. cute little place that has a modest room where martin luther translated the bible from latin to german. a translation that took the power of a religion's most sacred text from the religion's practitioners and handed it directly to the congregation. took the power from the leaders and gave it to the people. power to the people. ol' martin luther, what a revolutionary badass. an extraordinary turing point in western society, lacking glamor entirely. it's something we can all aspire to.

* * *

traveling makes the traveler decide what feels familiar and what feels foreign. the more one can feel familiar with their surroundings wherever, the better.

* * *

difference between china and india -- china is automated, predestined, restricted, whereas india is organic, all natural, spontaneous. india feels like love already.

green / conformist

being green isn't interesting, it's responsible. and being responsible isn't interesting, it's the opposite of interesting.

who ever wrote an epic tale of a conformist?

maybe i travel for the sensory benefits

travel: the best remedy for boredom. it's the way i can play dress-up with my life, try on new facades -- life tourism. when most people get bored, they find ways to occupy their time; they may develop hobbies that progress with time or skill, they may simply coast along thoughtlessly, they may use their time productively. but some of us need an entire change of scenery. maybe we're incredibly superficial -- we want the same stuff, but we just want it to look different so we can impress our peers with blurbs of queer comparisons once we go back home. (home loosely defined here as not foreign).

faceplanting

i'm envisioning myself getting in contact with p because i'm publishing a book and one of the main characters was inspired by my time with him.

i used to think a life partner had to be my everything -- best friend, constant emotional support, lover. but living with p showed me how two people who have very little in common can live together peaceably, even having a degree of fun once in a while. maybe every day wouldn't be a carnival party of excitement with p, but it really wouldn't obliterate our relationship in the end the way co-habitation can ruin even some of the best relationships.

it makes me see that just because i have a lot in common with a guy on an intellectual or spiritual level doesn't mean our intense connection would prove a compatible practical commitment. v and i met at a particular philosophical place, briefly. nothing else was compatible, but i was bored with my own circumstances and willing to take on his facade as a new perspective experience. it was a trip -- and i was the one who ended up faceplanting.