i've been writing lately about voldemort, my over-ness of that situation. thought of smoking weed with him but have concluded there really is no purpose for us to be face to face ever again. i was standing out in the park this evening, thinking of my recent actions. my information gathering, my peeping, or nosing through. i know i'm over v by how each successive time i've gathered some info, i'm progressively apathetic. why try to stir myself back into that mix?
does it seem like i have anything better to do, legally and physically unable to work presently?
right, so here's the revenge scenario: i email a long document of communication between v and myself, exposing his sleazy, or at least adulterous-if-i-won't-get-caught, choices. i'll send this email to his current girlfriend, moral being 'girl, i don't care who you are, you can do better than this douchebag.' [god, the worst memory i have of his is how he flat out told me about how his ex-girlfriend got an abortion after she told him she was initially pregnant, not consulting with him about the abortion. i don't know what's worse -- that this guy is bitching that she didn't consult with him before doing it, or that he openly tells people this, especially in the context of talking about his past relationships. such a douchebag.]
the thing is, i'd need to re-establish contact with him, which may be a challenge, and although i have my suspicions there's no guarantee he'll act in the way i've planned most deviously for. i would need him to open up to my again, have him show a sign of his availability. i'd need that in order to show that he not only kicked me, unwell person at the time, when i was down, he talked shit about me to his friends all the while. i read the emails, the chats.
he used me and threw me away, and it was all kind of grotesque. as one positive gesture, person to person, i'd feel some kind of relief in passing that information on to his current partner. considering how these make-believe events could potentially unfold, the whole thing could result in her dumping him.
it would make for the best revenge, because his entire self-worth is based on having the validation of one female, and if could take that away from him, nothing could really cut him deeper.
then the fun stoner part where i let my thoughts run wild, this could be a run up to a murder on a crime drama like csi: ny. what if my exacting revenge scenario works so well that she dumps him, demolishes to infinite numbness? would he still be 'converting to islam' and thus some kind of pacifist, or would he feel enough pain that would ignite enough anger to react violently?
my high is making me wonder if he could ever be angered enough to kill someone. i think he'd be capable, as the cooler the temper one projects, all the more the core burns. he's like my dad in that way, he wants everyone to think he's cool as a cucumber, impossible to rile up, but when that one thing appears that flips the switch -- stand back, it's going to get hot. one of the more vivid images i have of my dad abusing me is watching the spit fly out of his mouth as he screamed in my face.
i can't believe he thinks he deserves any credit for being a good parent after the way he fucked up my head, but whatever. i don't have to keep allowing him to negatively affect my life, i can keenly practice edging around him whenever possible.
the next 3 weeks excluded.
back to v and the severe revenge scenario; i took the personal-perspective narrative of revenge and played it over to a fictional setting, v being so pained by the affect of my revenge that he would murder me. would it all fit into one episode of a csi show, or would it have to be a mini-series? if it's just regarding the murder, then one episode, but if it were some drama about the causes and effects of things like murder, it might be a 2-parter. i'm sure if v had editorial input, he'd at least want to be a 'smart' murder, where he plans it well-enough to almost get away with it.
that would be an interesting opus: the creation and endurance of a new-millennial relationship, the psychological play of a narcissist and a no-self-worth abuse victim. it could be something like 'he mocks and criticizes her to his friends, but makes empty promises of help and compassion. she decides if he's calling her crazy to his friends, she has every right to take that characterization and use it to advance; getting that long awaited-for revenge was the only satiating conclusion. but then he's so upset over the consequences of his actions, that he kills her -- and he was claiming she was crazy? he was the one so taken over by his emotions that he killed.'
is that the ultimate exoneration of someone falsely labeled? is that enough to make a martyrdom?
/
i never thought of myself writing crime drama, but maybe this some intuitive nudge coming through.
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