away for good

i suppose i have to admit, i've been missing golden-era voldemort, a little. which is really a bad idea, because forgetting all those bad decisions i made would be a mistake. maybe having any sort of positive attitude about him is the first sign of healing and forgiving myself for the mistakes i made.

i guess i don't really care if i've forgiven him or not, because it's ourselves we have to answer to in the end. he doesn't need to ask me for forgiveness, he needs to forgive himself for the mistakes he made. but that's not what's on my mind right now.

i'm listening to a song with the rapper common singing back-up phrases like 'huh' and 'uuuh' and 'ah' and 'yea.' the bassline, the beat, the pace, the voice timbre all sounds like those few moments when voldemort was a person i enjoyed, before things got out of control. it reminds me of how i felt, those vibrations i felt. sometimes i wonder if that's the deepest i've ever connected with another person - if that was the one person who made me feel less alone in the world. but i would need to deny that, as to cover that vulnerability. 

i especially need to resist the urge to reconnect - to learn to put things away for good.