i don't need nerdy white boys and their thing with chinese chicks

i just don't get it at all. i just can't possibly see what they see in each other. does it make me racist to wonder what white guys see in asians, as i personally don't find anything attractive about asians? i mean, i don't personally find anything attractive about nerdy white boys, either. sometimes they're nice to talk to, but i just cannot imagine one boning me. just cannot.

i brought a pen and notepad to the park, to start writing down my thoughts as i had them, as i tend to forget them by the time i get back inside and blog. out in the park, on the bench i smoked, thought, and wrote. but my pen ran out of ink, and the wind was making my fingers numb.

what i managed to write: 'after years of planning, over-planning... things not working out --> but not i just see what i can dream up, and want, and see what happens' as the pen runs out. i spent all those years making so many plans, so many revisions, additions, variations, expectations... all for what? the significant decisions i've made in the last few years have not necessarily been the biggest or hardest decisions. the ones i thought were big, difficult issues melted away without a verdict, and some of the simpler decisions i've made have had the greater impact than i once thought. 

now that i've stopped planning and have started listening, the message is telling me to dream up whatever makes me happy. just throw those ideas out there -- how am i tailoring my dreams, just for me? if i can dream it up and i like it, then i'll add that quality to the list. 

lately i've been writing up the list for my dream romance with my best friend, oh yea the guy who's a surgeon. if i can dream up what i'll love about him, and what he'll love about me -- what kind of life we could have together -- then dream it up for the sake of seeing what it is i want.

i don't know why this is such a hard issue for me in my life, clarifying what i want -- i think the way i was raised has caused me to carry a lot of guilt and insecurity. i don't have to carry those things for me anymore, it was an environmental burden that i knew i had to leave quite a while ago. i can consider it off my shoulders now.