this is the letter i need to write to c:
i have to step out now. we've been running circles for a while now, i feel dizzy. i change my perspective one hundred and eighty degrees every other moment. this is a pretty intricate dance, a very challenging duet, but i can't continue playing.
i do not want to spend a life with you always holding the asian thing over my head, eternally ready to stab at a personal irritation whenever you feel i am abandoning you. and your constant defence makes me ready to run at short notice. it's a classic toxic relationship. no trust.
i originally abandoned you, so do you think that is a legitimate reason to not give me a second chance, to not trust me? well, your lack of communication skills has resulted in your knowingly leading me on while withholding pertinent information that would affect my interest in you, affectionate or otherwise. i hurt you, so now you don't feel too bad if you lead me on and then hurt me when you brush off my advances. it's not the most honorable thing to do, but you're kind of hurt (or annoyed?) by how i handled things when we together, that while ago.
returning to my point: i think our only destiny is to go in circles, and that's what you do when you've got time to kill. i've killed a lot of time with you, and vice versa (i believe). but besides simply having grown tired from it, i think it's time for me to let go. release what you grasp now, in order to be able to grasp for something higher, better when it comes along.
what i fear is that i've run these circles with you out of sheer competition, maybe even some vanity. i fear that seeing you again, i might realize why i physically resisted you when we were together; i wasn't attracted to you. all these years and thousands of miles between us has photoshopped the hell out of my perception of you.
that distance makes it grow, man, it does wonders for those affections.
seeing your teeth again on skype the other day (not to start talking trash, but to provide concrete examples)... well that's what has got me to thinking about an actual reunion -- can someone say potentially awkward? i know it's not the most graceful point to make, but i'm trying to face the truth here.
now, i know i was rather euphoric following the surgery, and maybe i'm just coming back down to dry land, but the joyful bubble has burst. not entirely, but seeing complex feelings for you met with avoidant apathy in my mind, that might have tipped me off. what this means -- sometimes i get hung up on things from the past, and the way you've dangle your aesthetic jones for asian women over my head any time you feel i've rejected you, i just hate that. and i think of all the reasons i don't like you. it's not pleasant, i think it makes my blood pressure rise sometimes, but it's real and it's necessary. that's how i feel.
if i just don't trust you enough that i feel i can forgive you for past hurts, well then what's the point? yes, i think there would be an enormous capacity for love in a relationship between you and i; but i think there's something messed up about how we know how to most thoroughly hurt each other. i'm really ready for my hard work in my life to pay off, and i need to weed the things out of my life that no longer suit me, to make space for thing things i do want.
this is an emotional eviction.
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