dear sleep, where you at? i can't find you yo

smoking weed is more of a study than a recreational hobby for pleasure. sometimes the paranoia gets old. i just want to open up and see what options are around me. connect to a higher energy and see if i'm progressing or idling - or worse, pulling yourself backward.

i came inside after smoking and thought of how much i missed voldemort's attention. i'm craving a really specific kind of interaction - but it's no where in sight and there's no need to go back to him. the further away i get, the less there is to grasp at. i don't need to do that to myself.

dear self confidence, hang in there, really hold on to the edge, and wait. play it cool, don't sweat it, and see what happens. it would be nice if i could just sleep the remaining time away, but the nerve in my leg is throbbing and my mind is spinning. i guess c will meet me upon arrival next week -- very briefly.

i don't even know what to say before my schpiel -- nah i need to listen to him. i can tell him later that i've always saved a spot in my heart for him, he had earned an automatic second chance upon improvement of the scenario. we could give it another go if we found a comfortable compromise. but i've been spending quite a bit of time thinking about whether c will or even would consider giving me a second chance. i spoke to an intuitive friend recently, and she said something to the effect that we could reconvene for friendship only, that he was very affected by what happened between us in china and maybe still resents me in some ways.

this is too much for right now -- i wish i were having better clairvoyant dreams these days...